Our last before he flew

Never have I felt so shattered as I did today. We were going to meet after more than two months. Mat messaged me after 10:00 AM today. He was running errands left right and center. Bank issues, money changer, dealing with office travel etc. We had plans to meet right after maghreb.

He tells me

Mat and I had not talked this entire week, reaffirming my fears that he was in the phase still. I was aching to see his face. I went for tea just so I could see his face. I saw him at evening tea, white striped shirt and jeans, frolicking about from table to table. My heart aches at the sight of him.

Patterns; new or none

Mat has a new pattern now or maybe none from now. He disappears for a whole week now. Since that fateful Tuesday when he talked, he hasn't initiated a conversation. Busy or not, I do not know. I stay quiet, forcing myself into unwilling reservation. Constantly trying to establish, if his silence is an attempt at creating this distance. Yet when I talk, he does talk and then there is silence for days.

Reign

I entered through the gates to see him sitting on the marble ledge sipping away at tea, oblivious to the

storm brewing a few steps away. Standing there with grounded feet, my eyes bore in his back realizing how

infinite his hold was on me. He reigns me effortlessly. Never will there be a greater punishment than enduring this burning sense of our togetherness in your absentia.

a Dream

Last night, I dreamt that Mat messaged me that my BBM wasn't working. He was trying to me message me. I woke up with a start and grabbed my phone, only to realize that it was just a dream. The phone was as silent as ever.

Fears

Mat is overshadowing every thought of mine, like a juicy cloud ready to rain. I'm scared of losing whatever shreds I have of him.He never les out his turmoil of thoughts. I know well enough what that does to a person and the people around. His silence is like a death knell. I missed him so much over the weekend. Even though I had guests over, not once did I allow myself to stop thinking of him.

Breaking the ice

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today. That old feeling of sinking deep down in an abyss was very vivid. I was so depressed that I decided to ditch office today. Mat's indifference has kept me on toes for the past month or so. I am unable to shake off that gut feeling that something is amiss between us.

Mat is leaving

I am neither good at predicting things nor judging people. A few days ago when Mat said "mein bhi turr" raha hoon" my heart had skipped a beat. Was he leaving for somewhere? A new job? Houston? When I asked him he replied in the negative. I think this was a month ago. Since then my nasty gut had been gnawing at me.

A tear

Dear Mat,

I shed a tear and sent it your way
To convey what words wont say
I miss you more each passing day

Picture perfect memories

No matter, how much I hide, how brave a front I put up, how much I deny myself...I miss you. I have never
been a person who misses people. I settle into the change of people coming and gonig from my life. I've been empty but I've never been lonely until now. Here I am sitting in a million people, talking to some yet I
feel lonely because I am here and you are somewhere out there. Knowing that you will always be somewhere out there accentuates the lonleiness.

A deafening realization

With each passing day, the realization is hitting me harder; Mat will never be a part of my life, the way I wish him to be. Last night, I dreamt that he had messaged me and I woke up and leapt towards my phone. Then the reality hit me! it was just a dream, a manifestation of my hopes and wishes.