With each passing day, the realization is hitting me harder; Mat will never be a part of my life, the way I wish him to be. Last night, I dreamt that he had messaged me and I woke up and leapt towards my phone. Then the reality hit me! it was just a dream, a manifestation of my hopes and wishes.
I can never expect it out of him to be with me but the heart wants what it wants. It wants it nevertheless. I miss him all the time, every day. The feeling pricks at me eating me away. Each day that I wake up, I hope for a better day, and when the gloomy day ends I know that life isn't "life" without him. I have very little of him and its loaned but it is enough to retain my sanity. We get only one life. If its filled with happiness it flies by in the blink of an eye, if its sadness, it stretches beyond the ordinary comprehension of difficulty. Mine is full of sadness and tears and it doesn't end. I will never regret him, he remains an unspoken dream and my only covetted wish.
Just day before yesterday, when we were talking, Mat told me he misses me. I mostly doubt his claims in light of the past episode. Its been two months now that we have been in limbo. I've asked him over and over again that something is amiss. There is no ground under my feet, no sky above my head. I am hanging in mid air. I have so many fears with him despite the rush of warmth and love for him. What if he is busy forever? what if he leaves? what if I can't see him, feel him, touch him, talk to him? Its easy for him to disappear without a goodbye and even easier to reappear because he knows how I feel. I let him be the way he is. No matter what he does, he never loses face for me even when he hurts me willingly or unwillingly.
My perfect man is so imperfect yet it makes no difference. I love him effortlessly.
I can never expect it out of him to be with me but the heart wants what it wants. It wants it nevertheless. I miss him all the time, every day. The feeling pricks at me eating me away. Each day that I wake up, I hope for a better day, and when the gloomy day ends I know that life isn't "life" without him. I have very little of him and its loaned but it is enough to retain my sanity. We get only one life. If its filled with happiness it flies by in the blink of an eye, if its sadness, it stretches beyond the ordinary comprehension of difficulty. Mine is full of sadness and tears and it doesn't end. I will never regret him, he remains an unspoken dream and my only covetted wish.
Just day before yesterday, when we were talking, Mat told me he misses me. I mostly doubt his claims in light of the past episode. Its been two months now that we have been in limbo. I've asked him over and over again that something is amiss. There is no ground under my feet, no sky above my head. I am hanging in mid air. I have so many fears with him despite the rush of warmth and love for him. What if he is busy forever? what if he leaves? what if I can't see him, feel him, touch him, talk to him? Its easy for him to disappear without a goodbye and even easier to reappear because he knows how I feel. I let him be the way he is. No matter what he does, he never loses face for me even when he hurts me willingly or unwillingly.
My perfect man is so imperfect yet it makes no difference. I love him effortlessly.
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