I am neither good at predicting things nor judging people. A few days ago when Mat said "mein bhi turr" raha hoon" my heart had skipped a beat. Was he leaving for somewhere? A new job? Houston? When I asked him he replied in the negative. I think this was a month ago. Since then my nasty gut had been gnawing at me.
Yesterday I met a friend who told me that Mat is leaving for Houston in the beginning of December. My heart sank, head started pounding instantly and I broke down like a child lost to an alien crowd. I didn't cry or weep, I screamed while crouching down on my knees. I was so helpless, it almost felt like someone died; the final parting. I dont remember what I ate or how it tasted, but then I made my way to bed and put on friends, trying to mask my pain and going in denial. I could almost imagine, how it would be. He will go and then out of sight out of mind will come into play. Talking will be few and far between. He will move away bit by bit; weaning.When I smiled weakly at a joke in friends, I realized Mat is really leaving! he has not bothered hinting it to me. As reality hit me tears started dropping uncontrollably, my pillow was soaked. I have never cried so helplessly in my life. I had lost all sense of control. The cries weren't muffled or stifled, It was like a baby's gasping for breath, wanting a favourite toy. As I lay tossing and turning in the silent night, I popped a lexotanil to help me sleep. Sleep was short. I woke up at the azaan, piercing sounds searing every nerve with one constant reminder; Mat is going away.This is the first time ever with him that I am spinning out of control, falling into a whirlpool.
Where is the Mat I fell for? Last year he left on the 25th of October. I remember his messaging me that he would be leaving and I should keep it to myself since he hadn't told anyone but he wanted to let me know. At that time his dates were not confirmed. It was only during a cafe sitting later that he formed the dates with his mouth in silence that he was leaving on the 25th. I was sad at his departure but he kept me along all the way. That was sweet, intimate and touching. I realize that I never have HIM, it is only these little tiny chunks of Mat that come my way. Those chunks being warm, naughty, intimate, kind, affectionate and sometimes so alientated and cold that it sears my heart through and through.
Yesterday I met a friend who told me that Mat is leaving for Houston in the beginning of December. My heart sank, head started pounding instantly and I broke down like a child lost to an alien crowd. I didn't cry or weep, I screamed while crouching down on my knees. I was so helpless, it almost felt like someone died; the final parting. I dont remember what I ate or how it tasted, but then I made my way to bed and put on friends, trying to mask my pain and going in denial. I could almost imagine, how it would be. He will go and then out of sight out of mind will come into play. Talking will be few and far between. He will move away bit by bit; weaning.When I smiled weakly at a joke in friends, I realized Mat is really leaving! he has not bothered hinting it to me. As reality hit me tears started dropping uncontrollably, my pillow was soaked. I have never cried so helplessly in my life. I had lost all sense of control. The cries weren't muffled or stifled, It was like a baby's gasping for breath, wanting a favourite toy. As I lay tossing and turning in the silent night, I popped a lexotanil to help me sleep. Sleep was short. I woke up at the azaan, piercing sounds searing every nerve with one constant reminder; Mat is going away.This is the first time ever with him that I am spinning out of control, falling into a whirlpool.
Where is the Mat I fell for? Last year he left on the 25th of October. I remember his messaging me that he would be leaving and I should keep it to myself since he hadn't told anyone but he wanted to let me know. At that time his dates were not confirmed. It was only during a cafe sitting later that he formed the dates with his mouth in silence that he was leaving on the 25th. I was sad at his departure but he kept me along all the way. That was sweet, intimate and touching. I realize that I never have HIM, it is only these little tiny chunks of Mat that come my way. Those chunks being warm, naughty, intimate, kind, affectionate and sometimes so alientated and cold that it sears my heart through and through.
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