Mat and I had not talked this entire week, reaffirming my fears that he was in the phase still. I was aching to see his face. I went for tea just so I could see his face. I saw him at evening tea, white striped shirt and jeans, frolicking about from table to table. My heart aches at the sight of him.
After my glimpse of him I headed out in the building grounds. He came out sometime later, standing near the ledge with his friend smoking.I could feel his eyes, I kept away because there were people around so I never walked towards his side. I came through the front enterance waiting for the lift when I saw him head towards the entrance too, standing outside for a bit chit chatting. While I waited, my eyes were brimming with tears at the thought of how much I miss him! I turned towards the glass panes looknig at the flower beds wishing my life were as beautiful as these flowers.Thats when I heard Mat "Good morning!" he was here! I quickly wiped my eyes.I turned around with the most silent and gravest of faces. He just bore into my face figuring it all out; something was wrong. " Kahan ghoom phir rahee ho?","Bus aisay hee","Chullo cup rukhnay neechay chulein". I gulped and nodded. We headed down the stairs in the basement. He said that Asim Israr was in USA. I knew it was coming now; "Aur parsoun mein jaa raha houn!" I cannot remember the last time I shivered like I did when I heard mat say this. My head pounded, my heart in my mouth and my face wearing all the possible expressions of being crest fallen. I looked at him for a moment and he saw it written on my face "Koi tension chul rahee hai?" "Nahi" How I lied, how vehemently I lied when deep down I could feel the disintegration. "Kitnay arsay kay liye jana hai?" "arsay ka to tumhein pata hai kuch pata nahi hota" He was in the cafe whilst I waited outside. "Kal kee kai masroofiat hai?" "Kuch bhee nahi" I was trying hard to sound casual and the more I tried the worst of a liar I was proving to be! "Kal ka kuch program bunatay hein!" And so we headed straight up in the lift going to our respective floors. I crashed in the washroom. There was no one, I screamed in pain for as long as I can remember I have not cried so hard for anyone in my life as I have for Mat.I messaged him and that is when he told me what I have craved to hear for so long " I miss you, you have no idea!". I wanted to be in his arms at that delicate moment. I wanted to beg him not to go and just how difficult it is without having him here. Life isn't life without him. He is the colour in it. My heart just ripped when he told me that he will be shifting to USA permanently once the transition is over. He said his visa was for three years.He asked me for my picture so that he could see me whenever he wanted to. My pain and misery knew no bounds then. The fact that this wonder of a face will be so far away in time. The face I search for constantly. The face that lights me up will be so far? How will I see him? how will I feel him? Will he miss me? Will we talk? What about the memories? What about our bench in haunted hill? What about our journey down the seventh avenue? What about his starry eyes? His uncontrollable roar of laughter? the splinters along his fingers?
We have countless memories together. Memories that hurt because they are so beautiful I want to keep making more of them with him. They are all I have of him. We must constantly reinvent life in order to live it. A year ago this stranger turned to me wanting to cheer me up. I fell right into him. I have no reinventions left. As you age, you realize that all that matters is being happy. Mat I don't know how to live or be without you. You are all my happiness. Please don't go.
After my glimpse of him I headed out in the building grounds. He came out sometime later, standing near the ledge with his friend smoking.I could feel his eyes, I kept away because there were people around so I never walked towards his side. I came through the front enterance waiting for the lift when I saw him head towards the entrance too, standing outside for a bit chit chatting. While I waited, my eyes were brimming with tears at the thought of how much I miss him! I turned towards the glass panes looknig at the flower beds wishing my life were as beautiful as these flowers.Thats when I heard Mat "Good morning!" he was here! I quickly wiped my eyes.I turned around with the most silent and gravest of faces. He just bore into my face figuring it all out; something was wrong. " Kahan ghoom phir rahee ho?","Bus aisay hee","Chullo cup rukhnay neechay chulein". I gulped and nodded. We headed down the stairs in the basement. He said that Asim Israr was in USA. I knew it was coming now; "Aur parsoun mein jaa raha houn!" I cannot remember the last time I shivered like I did when I heard mat say this. My head pounded, my heart in my mouth and my face wearing all the possible expressions of being crest fallen. I looked at him for a moment and he saw it written on my face "Koi tension chul rahee hai?" "Nahi" How I lied, how vehemently I lied when deep down I could feel the disintegration. "Kitnay arsay kay liye jana hai?" "arsay ka to tumhein pata hai kuch pata nahi hota" He was in the cafe whilst I waited outside. "Kal kee kai masroofiat hai?" "Kuch bhee nahi" I was trying hard to sound casual and the more I tried the worst of a liar I was proving to be! "Kal ka kuch program bunatay hein!" And so we headed straight up in the lift going to our respective floors. I crashed in the washroom. There was no one, I screamed in pain for as long as I can remember I have not cried so hard for anyone in my life as I have for Mat.I messaged him and that is when he told me what I have craved to hear for so long " I miss you, you have no idea!". I wanted to be in his arms at that delicate moment. I wanted to beg him not to go and just how difficult it is without having him here. Life isn't life without him. He is the colour in it. My heart just ripped when he told me that he will be shifting to USA permanently once the transition is over. He said his visa was for three years.He asked me for my picture so that he could see me whenever he wanted to. My pain and misery knew no bounds then. The fact that this wonder of a face will be so far away in time. The face I search for constantly. The face that lights me up will be so far? How will I see him? how will I feel him? Will he miss me? Will we talk? What about the memories? What about our bench in haunted hill? What about our journey down the seventh avenue? What about his starry eyes? His uncontrollable roar of laughter? the splinters along his fingers?
We have countless memories together. Memories that hurt because they are so beautiful I want to keep making more of them with him. They are all I have of him. We must constantly reinvent life in order to live it. A year ago this stranger turned to me wanting to cheer me up. I fell right into him. I have no reinventions left. As you age, you realize that all that matters is being happy. Mat I don't know how to live or be without you. You are all my happiness. Please don't go.
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