No matter, how much I hide, how brave a front I put up, how much I deny myself...I miss you. I have never
been a person who misses people. I settle into the change of people coming and gonig from my life. I've been empty but I've never been lonely until now. Here I am sitting in a million people, talking to some yet I
feel lonely because I am here and you are somewhere out there. Knowing that you will always be somewhere out there accentuates the lonleiness.
I miss your warmth. I miss the sad morning when you talked me out of my woes and took me downstairs to the cafe and gave me your sandwich because I was hungry; It was your lunch. I miss it when I told you I had a headache and you offered to massage my head to ease it. I knew you couldn't but the thought that you wanted to warmed me up. You made it a point to make me laugh so much that you never gave me time to cry. You scolded me when I missed my meals. When we took our very first smoke break in the smoking room, I was dizzy on my way up. You asked me if I could walk without swaying and I lied. After I told you I swayed, you scolded me because you had wanted to hold me in case I fell. When you threw a dinner for your friends, we discussed how I could join you. Even though I couldn't come, I knew how much you wanted me to be there. I remember the morning how you greeted me " Good morning beautiful!", it was after the night you told me you had feelings for me. How I had cried for you because I had those feelings too. It was bitter sweet symphony. I cried because I knew I could never have you, I smiled because I reveled in our confession for each other. When you were leaving for USA last year, I was the first one to know of your travel dates. You told me to keep it a secret because I was the only one to know then. I still remember the Friday when you wore a blue checkered shirt. You were busy all morning. You waited for me for lunch in the cafe, until you went in a meeting. I had asked you to have lunch but you told me you wanted to eat with me. I remember your vehement insistence at having lunch together. I couldn't make it. So i didn't eat that day, because I had wanted to eat with you too! You scolded me on remaining hungry. I have not felt like eating since we stopped being together. Right before you left, we sat on a bench facing each other @ haunted hill. It was a Saturday. You were in a maroom t-shirt and I was dressed in black. My legs crossed over, you sat before me telling me about your travel plans. I darted my eyes, avoiding you so you wouldn't read my eyes. But you knew I was hiding behind my weak defenses. You have always known. That night will always be a night to remember. I got us our usual bench and I sat on the table, your hands in my lap and my feet resting on your right, on the bench. Your right palm has a mole. There was a callus on your right palm which you just wouldn't remove, so I took your palm and rested it on my knees while I scrape it off with my nail. All along you kept looking at me with abysmal eyes. I could feel them boring into me. I know I was too eager to clean out your palm, but I fought the urge to cry like a warrior. I had wanted to be with you so much. You touched my toes and felt my nails because you loved them in nail colour and kolapuris. How your fingers intertwined in mine everytime we met and along the journey home. You would squeeze them passionately and I always turned my head around and drank my tears. Do you remember when you tried to kiss me? I held back for
the both of us. You were so naive and I cried and broke into a million pieces. I was in a place where I
wanted you equally but I cried because I wanted an eternity with you. You saw my refusal but you failed to
see how much you meant to me. While you were doing all these little little things, something very big was
happening all along; I fell in love with you.
I miss our long stretches of conversation, the intimacy and the glow you gave me. I miss your vigour for me, the sense of togetherness and belonging, your infectious peaking roars of laughter. You've lied to me, you have hurt me, but its all about you. You know that I love you but you dont know that I know you dont feel for me and that kills me everyday. Yet, I would give anything to be with you.
The nights that I lay awake are for missing you. Sleep does visit but it always finds me with thoughts of you. So it goes away leaving me room to miss you more. I don't know where you are today, but I am right here. I am still the same woman, but I am lieing to you constantly; I am in love with you. The thought of admitting this to you is like a death knell. I fear your reactions, I fear what all you will do to me in silence. You will be distant and cold.You once said that if people knew about us they would call us beauty and the beast. Now that i think of it, I think I am beastly to you in some ways because you keep tossing me around every few months. There has to be something about me that reminds you to do that frequently.
You define what I have always wanted; happiness. Simple and uncomplicated. I miss you and i love you and i cant blame you but its your fault because you are "you". You continue to blossom in me each passing moment. Your warmth emanates in silence and fills me within.
I gained weight in Ramzan. I've almost lost of all it now. My eating habits are messed up again. I now know that its not the diet. Its happiness and Mat's presence in my life. I am a flower that blooms when Mat shines upon me. The moment he turns away I wilt and crease. He was with me almost everyday during Ramzan. I was so happy to have him around. Now that he is elsewhere, I am in a gloomy place. I don't remember the last time, I styled my hair or dressed up. The stress is just wrenching me inside.
Can you believe it Mat? We have been together for a year now. As I write this, I am crying while sitting on my seat. Don't worry, nobody will know because I've drawn hair over both sides of my face. I am hurting so much. If you can put me in hindsight why can't I? You have taken away the stars from my eyes :'(
been a person who misses people. I settle into the change of people coming and gonig from my life. I've been empty but I've never been lonely until now. Here I am sitting in a million people, talking to some yet I
feel lonely because I am here and you are somewhere out there. Knowing that you will always be somewhere out there accentuates the lonleiness.
I miss your warmth. I miss the sad morning when you talked me out of my woes and took me downstairs to the cafe and gave me your sandwich because I was hungry; It was your lunch. I miss it when I told you I had a headache and you offered to massage my head to ease it. I knew you couldn't but the thought that you wanted to warmed me up. You made it a point to make me laugh so much that you never gave me time to cry. You scolded me when I missed my meals. When we took our very first smoke break in the smoking room, I was dizzy on my way up. You asked me if I could walk without swaying and I lied. After I told you I swayed, you scolded me because you had wanted to hold me in case I fell. When you threw a dinner for your friends, we discussed how I could join you. Even though I couldn't come, I knew how much you wanted me to be there. I remember the morning how you greeted me " Good morning beautiful!", it was after the night you told me you had feelings for me. How I had cried for you because I had those feelings too. It was bitter sweet symphony. I cried because I knew I could never have you, I smiled because I reveled in our confession for each other. When you were leaving for USA last year, I was the first one to know of your travel dates. You told me to keep it a secret because I was the only one to know then. I still remember the Friday when you wore a blue checkered shirt. You were busy all morning. You waited for me for lunch in the cafe, until you went in a meeting. I had asked you to have lunch but you told me you wanted to eat with me. I remember your vehement insistence at having lunch together. I couldn't make it. So i didn't eat that day, because I had wanted to eat with you too! You scolded me on remaining hungry. I have not felt like eating since we stopped being together. Right before you left, we sat on a bench facing each other @ haunted hill. It was a Saturday. You were in a maroom t-shirt and I was dressed in black. My legs crossed over, you sat before me telling me about your travel plans. I darted my eyes, avoiding you so you wouldn't read my eyes. But you knew I was hiding behind my weak defenses. You have always known. That night will always be a night to remember. I got us our usual bench and I sat on the table, your hands in my lap and my feet resting on your right, on the bench. Your right palm has a mole. There was a callus on your right palm which you just wouldn't remove, so I took your palm and rested it on my knees while I scrape it off with my nail. All along you kept looking at me with abysmal eyes. I could feel them boring into me. I know I was too eager to clean out your palm, but I fought the urge to cry like a warrior. I had wanted to be with you so much. You touched my toes and felt my nails because you loved them in nail colour and kolapuris. How your fingers intertwined in mine everytime we met and along the journey home. You would squeeze them passionately and I always turned my head around and drank my tears. Do you remember when you tried to kiss me? I held back for
the both of us. You were so naive and I cried and broke into a million pieces. I was in a place where I
wanted you equally but I cried because I wanted an eternity with you. You saw my refusal but you failed to
see how much you meant to me. While you were doing all these little little things, something very big was
happening all along; I fell in love with you.
I miss our long stretches of conversation, the intimacy and the glow you gave me. I miss your vigour for me, the sense of togetherness and belonging, your infectious peaking roars of laughter. You've lied to me, you have hurt me, but its all about you. You know that I love you but you dont know that I know you dont feel for me and that kills me everyday. Yet, I would give anything to be with you.
The nights that I lay awake are for missing you. Sleep does visit but it always finds me with thoughts of you. So it goes away leaving me room to miss you more. I don't know where you are today, but I am right here. I am still the same woman, but I am lieing to you constantly; I am in love with you. The thought of admitting this to you is like a death knell. I fear your reactions, I fear what all you will do to me in silence. You will be distant and cold.You once said that if people knew about us they would call us beauty and the beast. Now that i think of it, I think I am beastly to you in some ways because you keep tossing me around every few months. There has to be something about me that reminds you to do that frequently.
You define what I have always wanted; happiness. Simple and uncomplicated. I miss you and i love you and i cant blame you but its your fault because you are "you". You continue to blossom in me each passing moment. Your warmth emanates in silence and fills me within.
I gained weight in Ramzan. I've almost lost of all it now. My eating habits are messed up again. I now know that its not the diet. Its happiness and Mat's presence in my life. I am a flower that blooms when Mat shines upon me. The moment he turns away I wilt and crease. He was with me almost everyday during Ramzan. I was so happy to have him around. Now that he is elsewhere, I am in a gloomy place. I don't remember the last time, I styled my hair or dressed up. The stress is just wrenching me inside.
Can you believe it Mat? We have been together for a year now. As I write this, I am crying while sitting on my seat. Don't worry, nobody will know because I've drawn hair over both sides of my face. I am hurting so much. If you can put me in hindsight why can't I? You have taken away the stars from my eyes :'(
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