The curse of unrequiited love

Eid this year was extremely saddening. I neither changed nor washed up on the day. I was up at the crack of dawn but stayed in bed. All I could think of was Mat. We had not talked throughout the week and I was spinning out of control.

Wean her

Mat and I have not exchanged a single word this entire week! He is busy and I am dutifully quiet. He doesn't know that I am quiet because this is how he wants it. I try to talk and he just disappears somewhere along the way. Losing him in a conversation reaffirms my idea that he is no mood to talk or be "Meetoo". A silent message saying "Leave me alone or get of my back". There is so much of pent up worry, fear, anger and pain inside. I took that out at work today. As I sat on my seat, realizing the agitation, I absorbed my welled up tears in a tissue lest they fell down like tiny streams. I ate my food in the cafe today. Mat passed by the door with his friends and then disappeared in a jiffy.

While you were "busy"

Its almost been a month since I lost mat to insane amounts of work or so as he likes to call it. Whether it is actually work or an attempt at deliberately distancing himself, I am clueless as ever.All I know is that this is history repeating itself. History of March 2012 - May 2012. The deafening silence, the avoiding eyes and the endless disappearance both personally and virtually. We barely talk and very rarely see each other. When we do its forced because he barely initiates it himself. It is I who does to keep it alive.A few words exchanged with a scattered mind. A dialog involving conversation enders like ok, hmmm and the best sealer; a smiley. He now regularly receives messages without acknowledging them. All I read in between the lines is "Can't talk or don't want to talk". The fear dictates my belief of "don't want to talk". The benefit of the doubt factor dictates my belief in "Can't talk". Which one is it Mat?

Surprise!

I have been limited to my seat for this entire week. I've been trying to hold my fort with depression. While this doesnt help it keeps me away from prying eyes of the public. I was busy on my Blackberry when I felt someone standing behind the glass door next to my seat

tick tock tick tock

I feel so miserable today. Mum had one of her phsychotic breakdowns yesterday, springing from under achievement, lack of being judicious, incapacity of admitting mistakes and what not. She flung all sorts of spiteful statements at my sister; crux being you girls are still on my head. When parents behave like this it really is time to admit that you have no anchor. I will never choose to be a parent.

In hiding

I've been on calls since morning trying to sort out the dreadful shop in DHA. I am remembering how disinterested Imran used to be in my affairs. His dedication entirely centered on building his father's school, buying, liquidating his property or devoting his time to refurbishing his brother's car. It was always someone or the other. I being at the bottom of the attention list-always. I feel so angry and hurt. He has wrecked my life.

Renewed fears

My spirits are dampening day by day. Mat worries me constantly. Ever since our last meeting he has been lost in another world. We have been speaking on a very limited scale. He has never been so busy as he is these days. He comes in before 11:00 AM and packs up around 2:00 AM . His being busy doesnt bother me, it happens. Its some behavioural changes which are not giving me good vibes.