I feel so miserable today. Mum had one of her phsychotic breakdowns yesterday, springing from under achievement, lack of being judicious, incapacity of admitting mistakes and what not. She flung all sorts of spiteful statements at my sister; crux being you girls are still on my head. When parents behave like this it really is time to admit that you have no anchor. I will never choose to be a parent.
That aside, I miss Matty so much. Sometimes it feels like I dont know him at all. I feel like a package of convenience. He is lost and busy at work causing me much emotional inconvenience. I never see or talk to him anymore. Just a futile exchange of a few empty lines; superficial and made up. He usually drops a line on Tuesdays when the weekend rush and the Monday hustle has worn off. The rest of the week, I keep up appearances by dropping lines on his BBM because I know he wont. As desperate or needy as it looks, that scares me; not hearing from him. Of course he doesnt have an iota of an idea. He only knows the woman who is naughty and jokes around. So I hold on to him in some way, even if its a 5 min chat during the day. The idiot doesn't know that just because I am silent doesn't mean I am not thinking of him. Like a foolish dreamy teenage lass, I am always thinking of you. There is never such a time when I dont. I often think of him fondly and sometimes in tears when missing him becomes miserable and tiring. I just sink back, resigned to this overpowering feeling. I review my wish list, my list of what could have beens and I revel in those miragy thoughts. Life feels beautiful in this imaginary world.
There is a "you" and then there is an "I", I wish there were an "us".
That aside, I miss Matty so much. Sometimes it feels like I dont know him at all. I feel like a package of convenience. He is lost and busy at work causing me much emotional inconvenience. I never see or talk to him anymore. Just a futile exchange of a few empty lines; superficial and made up. He usually drops a line on Tuesdays when the weekend rush and the Monday hustle has worn off. The rest of the week, I keep up appearances by dropping lines on his BBM because I know he wont. As desperate or needy as it looks, that scares me; not hearing from him. Of course he doesnt have an iota of an idea. He only knows the woman who is naughty and jokes around. So I hold on to him in some way, even if its a 5 min chat during the day. The idiot doesn't know that just because I am silent doesn't mean I am not thinking of him. Like a foolish dreamy teenage lass, I am always thinking of you. There is never such a time when I dont. I often think of him fondly and sometimes in tears when missing him becomes miserable and tiring. I just sink back, resigned to this overpowering feeling. I review my wish list, my list of what could have beens and I revel in those miragy thoughts. Life feels beautiful in this imaginary world.
There is a "you" and then there is an "I", I wish there were an "us".
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