I've been on calls since morning trying to sort out the dreadful shop in DHA. I am remembering how disinterested Imran used to be in my affairs. His dedication entirely centered on building his father's school, buying, liquidating his property or devoting his time to refurbishing his brother's car. It was always someone or the other. I being at the bottom of the attention list-always. I feel so angry and hurt. He has wrecked my life.
I am angry at Mat today. I wish I had never met him and felt him. I miss him miserably. Much of my anger and tears today are attributed to the feeling of missing him constantly. I keep checking gtalk; feeling his virtual presence.I've been hurling obscenties at people since morning because of this intense pent up anger. Its strange, whenever I want his presence around me the most, he is almost never there. I cannot speak of my emotions to him or cry like a river, yet his presence calms me enough to whether the storms within, without uttering a single word to him. I havent talked to him since Sunday. Whenever he puts me in limbo, I anticipate it for the worst and why shouldnt I? He did this once before. Once bitten twice shy! Busy busy busy, how busy can one be? Extremely but even then. With Mat, I dont know what to predict. He never lets me know how he feels, unless its a weak emotional moment. I prize such moments because I can see a lot of him transparently then. Yet these moments are few and far between and fleeting. He quickly collects himself not surrendering to it at all. Where as I...I just dive into the moment falling more into him. I just went downstairs to the cafe for a quick cup of coffee. While waiting for the elevator, I imagined what it would be like if he were in the elevator. When the left one opened, there he was inspecting his hair. Black shirt and jeans. He popped his head out slightly and I stepped back hoping to hide my face from him. Whenever he disappears from my life, I go into hiding, trying not to come across him. Not that it makes it any
easier, it makes it worse. It just feels that since I am forgotten, I should just disappear into thin air. That feeling of nothingness evaporates me and I vanish from everywhere. As always I just felt prey to the nervousness of the moment and ended up boarding the same lift. A salam with kia haal chaal hai and my meek muted resigned reply, with eyes boring into the lift floor. He got off at the ground floor. I got my coffee and returned outside via the basement opening. There he was standing at the enterance with other guys smoking. I was heading towards the same area but I stopped short and sat on the marble ledge beside the flower beds. I could hear his voice and loud roar of laughter. Sometimes when I deliberately want to miss the intricate aspects of him, I relive how he looks, how he laughs or the faces he makes. Little things, bigger things and all the things that make him "Mat". Things he knows and things he may never know,
things that I will always know. Life is most unfair and merciless. I feel that every moment whether I am with him or without him. Mat tell me a way where I dont miss you for a while...just for a bloody
while. After that while has passed I'll be right here missing you all over again.
I am angry at Mat today. I wish I had never met him and felt him. I miss him miserably. Much of my anger and tears today are attributed to the feeling of missing him constantly. I keep checking gtalk; feeling his virtual presence.I've been hurling obscenties at people since morning because of this intense pent up anger. Its strange, whenever I want his presence around me the most, he is almost never there. I cannot speak of my emotions to him or cry like a river, yet his presence calms me enough to whether the storms within, without uttering a single word to him. I havent talked to him since Sunday. Whenever he puts me in limbo, I anticipate it for the worst and why shouldnt I? He did this once before. Once bitten twice shy! Busy busy busy, how busy can one be? Extremely but even then. With Mat, I dont know what to predict. He never lets me know how he feels, unless its a weak emotional moment. I prize such moments because I can see a lot of him transparently then. Yet these moments are few and far between and fleeting. He quickly collects himself not surrendering to it at all. Where as I...I just dive into the moment falling more into him. I just went downstairs to the cafe for a quick cup of coffee. While waiting for the elevator, I imagined what it would be like if he were in the elevator. When the left one opened, there he was inspecting his hair. Black shirt and jeans. He popped his head out slightly and I stepped back hoping to hide my face from him. Whenever he disappears from my life, I go into hiding, trying not to come across him. Not that it makes it any
easier, it makes it worse. It just feels that since I am forgotten, I should just disappear into thin air. That feeling of nothingness evaporates me and I vanish from everywhere. As always I just felt prey to the nervousness of the moment and ended up boarding the same lift. A salam with kia haal chaal hai and my meek muted resigned reply, with eyes boring into the lift floor. He got off at the ground floor. I got my coffee and returned outside via the basement opening. There he was standing at the enterance with other guys smoking. I was heading towards the same area but I stopped short and sat on the marble ledge beside the flower beds. I could hear his voice and loud roar of laughter. Sometimes when I deliberately want to miss the intricate aspects of him, I relive how he looks, how he laughs or the faces he makes. Little things, bigger things and all the things that make him "Mat". Things he knows and things he may never know,
things that I will always know. Life is most unfair and merciless. I feel that every moment whether I am with him or without him. Mat tell me a way where I dont miss you for a while...just for a bloody
while. After that while has passed I'll be right here missing you all over again.
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