Eid this year was extremely saddening. I neither changed nor washed up on the day. I was up at the crack of dawn but stayed in bed. All I could think of was Mat. We had not talked throughout the week and I was spinning out of control.
My phone pinged a little after 9:00 and I was joyous at Mat's message wishing me a happy eid. He remembered. That made me happy and hopeful. We chatted a little and then he disappeared on me. I tried asking him why he was so lost and absorbed. Of course I got the usual reply of "work". He has no idea of anything at all. I analysed my own being in light of his carefree and naive attitude. I am a drowning person catching at a straw. Only that straw isn't just any straw, its Mat. As the days go by I am falling deeper and deeper for him. What hurts the most is that I can never tell him this. If I do the awkwardness will grow like a towering wall between us and no matter what I do or say will tear that wall down. Days ago when I had told him he was the only source of happiness in my life, he had sent me a sealer smile. That hurt me but then a few days later he said he wished he had met me 10 years ago, arousing all the stormy emotions within me that struggle to reach him each day, wanting to tell him how meaningful he is to me. It's a fight I fight each day; when I peek at him from crevices and corners like a scared child not wanting to be discovered, when I cross him across the hallways, when he pops on my lunch or tea hour, when he smiles at me from a distance, when his light up at seeing me after many days, every little action of his draws daggers across me. There are so many times, when we talk and he doesnt know that I am crying and typing to him at the same time. I am this one person split into two beings at the same time for the very same man. He is blessedly oblivious to what I am going through.
Am I desperate for anyone coming along the way? If yes, anyone should do in any form or flavour. Why am I so hung up on one person; Mat? He keeps my senses under control when he is around me, but when he isn't all hell breaks loose. My anger and helplessness knows no bounds. Its not his fault, none of it is. He is lucky for he is a man of very limited and controlled emotions with me or maybe none at all. It is I who keeps going the whole nine yards with this incessant rush of feelings. He is only at fault for being "this particularly wonderful" person who "I" fancy. I spent the entire eid day crying in bed missing him over and over again. I knew he wouldnt bother with the talking again so I tried to talk a few times which wasnt very fruitful. To keep the flame alive, I talked the following days too, and when the feeling of being interfering started eating away at me again, I stopped. After that I was back to tears and constantly missing him. Even as I write now, I am crying like a baby wanting to scream, wanting to break free, knowing there is no freedom from this feeling for now. I am tired of hurting, waiting, crying. No matter what I do, where I go, he is always with me. This almost feels like a eulogy. He is hale and heart and living. I am alive; but I am dying on my own life, ebbing away each day in deep screaming silence. The biggest curse of unrequiited love is that it goes by unsaid, unfelt, unwept and unnoticed. Maybe just maybe Mat knows how I feel but knowing doesn't mean doing something about it, and doing is what makes it heaven or hell.
Love you even when you told me not to.
My phone pinged a little after 9:00 and I was joyous at Mat's message wishing me a happy eid. He remembered. That made me happy and hopeful. We chatted a little and then he disappeared on me. I tried asking him why he was so lost and absorbed. Of course I got the usual reply of "work". He has no idea of anything at all. I analysed my own being in light of his carefree and naive attitude. I am a drowning person catching at a straw. Only that straw isn't just any straw, its Mat. As the days go by I am falling deeper and deeper for him. What hurts the most is that I can never tell him this. If I do the awkwardness will grow like a towering wall between us and no matter what I do or say will tear that wall down. Days ago when I had told him he was the only source of happiness in my life, he had sent me a sealer smile. That hurt me but then a few days later he said he wished he had met me 10 years ago, arousing all the stormy emotions within me that struggle to reach him each day, wanting to tell him how meaningful he is to me. It's a fight I fight each day; when I peek at him from crevices and corners like a scared child not wanting to be discovered, when I cross him across the hallways, when he pops on my lunch or tea hour, when he smiles at me from a distance, when his light up at seeing me after many days, every little action of his draws daggers across me. There are so many times, when we talk and he doesnt know that I am crying and typing to him at the same time. I am this one person split into two beings at the same time for the very same man. He is blessedly oblivious to what I am going through.
Am I desperate for anyone coming along the way? If yes, anyone should do in any form or flavour. Why am I so hung up on one person; Mat? He keeps my senses under control when he is around me, but when he isn't all hell breaks loose. My anger and helplessness knows no bounds. Its not his fault, none of it is. He is lucky for he is a man of very limited and controlled emotions with me or maybe none at all. It is I who keeps going the whole nine yards with this incessant rush of feelings. He is only at fault for being "this particularly wonderful" person who "I" fancy. I spent the entire eid day crying in bed missing him over and over again. I knew he wouldnt bother with the talking again so I tried to talk a few times which wasnt very fruitful. To keep the flame alive, I talked the following days too, and when the feeling of being interfering started eating away at me again, I stopped. After that I was back to tears and constantly missing him. Even as I write now, I am crying like a baby wanting to scream, wanting to break free, knowing there is no freedom from this feeling for now. I am tired of hurting, waiting, crying. No matter what I do, where I go, he is always with me. This almost feels like a eulogy. He is hale and heart and living. I am alive; but I am dying on my own life, ebbing away each day in deep screaming silence. The biggest curse of unrequiited love is that it goes by unsaid, unfelt, unwept and unnoticed. Maybe just maybe Mat knows how I feel but knowing doesn't mean doing something about it, and doing is what makes it heaven or hell.
Love you even when you told me not to.
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