Wean her

Mat and I have not exchanged a single word this entire week! He is busy and I am dutifully quiet. He doesn't know that I am quiet because this is how he wants it. I try to talk and he just disappears somewhere along the way. Losing him in a conversation reaffirms my idea that he is no mood to talk or be "Meetoo". A silent message saying "Leave me alone or get of my back". There is so much of pent up worry, fear, anger and pain inside. I took that out at work today. As I sat on my seat, realizing the agitation, I absorbed my welled up tears in a tissue lest they fell down like tiny streams. I ate my food in the cafe today. Mat passed by the door with his friends and then disappeared in a jiffy.
I know I ate but I have no recollection of the taste. To me it was just food required to keep me alive and going. Taste was the least of my worries. It was a pathetic feeling. I am almost sure that Mat is weaning me off him. Why? I dont know. I keep asking myself; what did I do ? Why doesnt he say it? Where is he? Surely these questions are too complicated for an answer stating "I am busy". I am busy too; you are imprinted in my mind all the fucking time. Sometimes the weight of carrying you around is unbearable. I feel this blob form in my throat which is difficult to swallow and that heart sinking feeling is abysmal. No one should go through it as I do. You have to muster every iota of courage to keep it going. Even if it is for keeping up appearances. My head is pounding and I am sniffing like a puppy. I have been crying off and on the whole day today. I feel unwell. Its cold and merciless. What I feel inside is seeping out of me. It feels like I am carrying a ton of weight of worries and woes constantly haunting and gnawing at me. Its amazing how one person transforms your entire world from hell to heaven or heaven to hell. Life is miserable and going to be still. I really miss you baby :'(