Its almost been a month since I lost mat to insane amounts of work or so as he likes to call it. Whether it is actually work or an attempt at deliberately distancing himself, I am clueless as ever.All I know is that this is history repeating itself. History of March 2012 - May 2012. The deafening silence, the avoiding eyes and the endless disappearance both personally and virtually. We barely talk and very rarely see each other. When we do its forced because he barely initiates it himself. It is I who does to keep it alive.A few words exchanged with a scattered mind. A dialog involving conversation enders like ok, hmmm and the best sealer; a smiley. He now regularly receives messages without acknowledging them. All I read in between the lines is "Can't talk or don't want to talk". The fear dictates my belief of "don't want to talk". The benefit of the doubt factor dictates my belief in "Can't talk". Which one is it Mat?
I feel like an article of convenience; only required when suitable to him and circumstances and that is hurtful. Allowing someone such power over me is damaging. Irony is he has no idea and even if he has some, it doesnt matter AT ALL. I am the one who took this road, he can come and go as he pleases. Why can't I? because I don't want to! So I have no one to blame but myself. Whenever I tell him I miss him, he reciprocates but it almost seems like a programmed automatic reply. In our relationship of one year, he has only told me twice that he misses me. This expression was random and of his own accord and felt every bit as genuine. If he misses me now, he should drop me a line; he hasn't and maybe he never will. Ever since he pushed me away after his return from USA, my doubts have surged, new ones keep springing up. His doing was hurtful, surprising, unexpected and nerve wrecking for me for I never expected him to be like this ever. Thus this fear has settled in of doubting and thinking too much about what he does or says.
There is never a time of day when I dont think of him actively or passively. He is the last one to leave my head when I try sleeping and the first one to enter my mind when I wake up, and here he is not even giving a moments thought to me in the last several days. Because a thought inspires action, action breeds words, words pave way for emotions but silence...is an implication Mat that you are free of all such things. Whenever the hide and seek begins, I start keeping a tap on him. Constantly checking if he has signed in to gmail; gives me a sense of calmness that he is here. Sometimes I go upstrairs and pass by his door seeing him engrossed with one hand supporting his temple or forehead looking avidly at his laptop screen. It gives me an assurance that he is still breathing in the same space that I do. As I pass by his room, sometimes I smile while at others a wistfullness tugs at my heart. I pace up to hide the tears welling up in my eyes. I miss him incessantly.
The stress is taking its toll phsyically now. My neck is tense and tired and my back is in knots. I havent slept in a week. Mat always asks me "Kia kerti ho tum?" I always smile to this question or dart my eyes away. If he knew what I did, he would be horrified; I keep reliving everything about him. Last night I took a pill to doze off. I still managed to wake up once during the night with only one thought; Mat. If only he has been around, I would have hugged him like a bear. I nestled myself back to sleep with a futile hope that he will be back. Reassurance and hope can be wonderful yet fleeting. When they are crushed I crumble. I collect myself, lean on it again and tell myself that there is still another day around the corner where he will be! cycling myself over and over again clinging to empty hopes. If mat were to read my ramblings he would surely laugh it away, wondering what a foolish woman I am centering her thoughts on a mirage. No matter how close I get to it, I will never be close, dear or worthy enough to have it all. I am all a game of convenience and appeasing the covetted fantasy.
I feel like an article of convenience; only required when suitable to him and circumstances and that is hurtful. Allowing someone such power over me is damaging. Irony is he has no idea and even if he has some, it doesnt matter AT ALL. I am the one who took this road, he can come and go as he pleases. Why can't I? because I don't want to! So I have no one to blame but myself. Whenever I tell him I miss him, he reciprocates but it almost seems like a programmed automatic reply. In our relationship of one year, he has only told me twice that he misses me. This expression was random and of his own accord and felt every bit as genuine. If he misses me now, he should drop me a line; he hasn't and maybe he never will. Ever since he pushed me away after his return from USA, my doubts have surged, new ones keep springing up. His doing was hurtful, surprising, unexpected and nerve wrecking for me for I never expected him to be like this ever. Thus this fear has settled in of doubting and thinking too much about what he does or says.
There is never a time of day when I dont think of him actively or passively. He is the last one to leave my head when I try sleeping and the first one to enter my mind when I wake up, and here he is not even giving a moments thought to me in the last several days. Because a thought inspires action, action breeds words, words pave way for emotions but silence...is an implication Mat that you are free of all such things. Whenever the hide and seek begins, I start keeping a tap on him. Constantly checking if he has signed in to gmail; gives me a sense of calmness that he is here. Sometimes I go upstrairs and pass by his door seeing him engrossed with one hand supporting his temple or forehead looking avidly at his laptop screen. It gives me an assurance that he is still breathing in the same space that I do. As I pass by his room, sometimes I smile while at others a wistfullness tugs at my heart. I pace up to hide the tears welling up in my eyes. I miss him incessantly.
The stress is taking its toll phsyically now. My neck is tense and tired and my back is in knots. I havent slept in a week. Mat always asks me "Kia kerti ho tum?" I always smile to this question or dart my eyes away. If he knew what I did, he would be horrified; I keep reliving everything about him. Last night I took a pill to doze off. I still managed to wake up once during the night with only one thought; Mat. If only he has been around, I would have hugged him like a bear. I nestled myself back to sleep with a futile hope that he will be back. Reassurance and hope can be wonderful yet fleeting. When they are crushed I crumble. I collect myself, lean on it again and tell myself that there is still another day around the corner where he will be! cycling myself over and over again clinging to empty hopes. If mat were to read my ramblings he would surely laugh it away, wondering what a foolish woman I am centering her thoughts on a mirage. No matter how close I get to it, I will never be close, dear or worthy enough to have it all. I am all a game of convenience and appeasing the covetted fantasy.
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