A messy meeting

I kept my fingers crossed today. I and Mat decided to meet at our usual coffee place today. The day progressed with our usual chat. I decided to leave a bit early to run some errands and then message him to meet me. Somewhere after 4:30 ish pm I stopped receiving his messages and thought that he had dozed off! and then the most unfortunate happened. BBM stopped working at all. Our messages were stuck and by the time I found this out I was already seething in extreme anger. We ended up communicating over text messages. I waited for him in our coffee place. He turned up at 7:30 in gray sweats, gray lacoste and joggers. Saturday gear I guess. Our meeting was short and edgy because we lost precious time. I hinted at mat about what all had been going on in the office. He swore at some things and was quiet at others. I felt so remote and disconnected from him while saying all this. While my hearts jumps and lurches at seeing him; the joy being immeasurable, a part of me is constantly searching for missing answers. The answers I, perhaps, will never have. The answers he can't provide.

Day 3...

If today progresses like yesterday, we will not have talked for three days in a row. I am out of sight and out of mind. With each progressing moment, I wait for my phone to ping. Every coming hour brings new hope and every passing hour leaves me feeling more hopeless than before. Because I know he just wont be.
I am wearing the same clothes that Mat once mentioned looked the best on me. A lime gren khaadi shalwar kameez. I wonder how he would react if he were to read my blog entries. I think he will recoil at my ceaseless foolishness and obsession. Crazy as he once mentioned.

Lull

Today was the second day of silence. Not a word! I cowardly took a peak from the blinds at 5:55 pm today. No sign of mat. I did it again at 6:10 pm and still no sign of him. I left work at 8:00 pm, wishing he would be down or I would run into him. Feverishly completed the Task Builder. Somehow, I have a feeling that Mat didn't come to work today. I signed in to gtalk and he was not there. I am itching to talk to him but I must try to restrain. The wheather is wonderful today and I feel like being with him. It was wonderful when we first met and even more wonderful at our last meeting. It was nippy and it drizzled. We hid our bags under the table @ haunted hill. His cigaretts ended up in my bag. I secretly collected butts of all the cigarettes we shared that day. I still have them and his cigarette box with one dunhill light in it. I still have every memory of each day; as bright and vivid as the morning sun. I miss you.

Missed you Mat

We only talked yesterday. Of course today was going to be a day of silence between us. The lull period. Whenever it starts, I start imagining the day it will end. In the meanwhile, the agitation is always agonizing. Ambreen was supposed to pick me up today after work. We may not talk but I can't stop myself from taking a silent peek at mat. So there I was on my floor, huddled behind the blinds, looking straight at his smoking spot. There he was yet again, sitting and smoking in his lilac shirt. It was just a little over 6:00 pm. Looking at him makes me realize two things; how much I miss him when we dont talk and an even scarier feeling is what if this feeling perpetuates for a lifetime. Is it really true that nothing lasts forever? If it is then until that day dawns, I have to feel this over and over again.

Flustered

I am extremely edgy today. After mat stood me up on Sat, I was hoping he would at least tell me what happened. My hands were tied so I couldn't ask him myself. I was flustered throughout Sunday. Today was a gloomy beginning. He didn't bother which angered and saddened me even more. So I compromised a little self respect and inquired myself. As expected, a little insensitivity laden with a few fancy words of apology. We women are such needy little whimps! We melt at a few soft words. Birds of easy prey and disposable. Yes I am upset that we never got to meet but what makes me angrier is the lack of recognition. I kept waiting for a conclusive decision and there was none that day or the day following that and the day after. To top it all, mat felt so regular and usual in his demeanor when I minced my words of complaint. I didn't work at all today. I feel teary and extremely flustered, part of it comes from what happened on the weekend and the rest can be attributed to the ever going frustrations of my whirlwind life. I did tell mat how I felt but I curbed the intense urge to tell him why I felt as I did. I can't compromise my self respect infront of someone who needs to be asked and told. It feels too degrading and I dont want to scare him off. Being scared off is the easiest feeling. It is better to mask my feelings in undeniability and randomness.

Stood up!

I waited until noon to message mat today. I wanted to be sure that everything was business as usual on his end. Didn't want him in a troubled spot at home. The lazy bum was having an elaborate breakfast of channay, pooree etc. In such sweltering heat! unbelievable. We exchanged limited messages due to him being at home. As usual he disappeared a little after 1:00 PM. I waited for a while until that heavy gut feeling, that I dread, began to settle in! We weren't going to see each other. I ignored it telling myself that he was probably busy somewhere. I got a message a little after 4:00 PM that he had gone to sleep. Anyways, we kept talking,  I showered in the middle and began to get ready. It was six-ish when I coincidentally asked him if he was busy. Of course I would work out the intricate details of the meeting in a bit. At that very moment my gut feeling kicked in my face when he told me he had guests over. Of course, murphy's law!! I mentioned it to him that it seemed we weren't meeting after all. My wretched gut feeling finally calm and fed. After that mat disappeared from the scene. I waited till 7:30 ish, agitated like a fool in waiting. He never rejoined our conversation and I felt sadder than angrier. Stood up again!

We decide to meet

Mat and I haven't talked in, well almost two days. I had a lot of work on my hands today.So I had to sit back late today. I went down a little before 6:00 PM to loosen up my stretched nerves. I sat on the same pavement but a little farther away from the spot he occupies usually for his smoke at 6:00 ish. The place is huddled away from the main entrance and relatively private.I  dont know when mat came down and sat on his usual spot because my back was turned away. When I finally did turn around AA was on his way out. So I got up to meet him and we had a quick chat. I was on the steps when I got mat's message asking me why I was sitting outside all sad. I dont know how he manages an assessment without being in close proximity. Of course my self respect did not permit me to admit that I was sad indeed; I was missing him! So I steered the conversation away. We talked for a while and then he disappeared as usual. Almost an hour and a half into the silence I got his message again. I had reached home by then. It was a little over 9:00 pm. We kept talking and we felt like seeing each other there and then. Mat suggested that we meet on Saturday evening. We will decided on the details tomorrow. I am so happy! :) The last time we met was on Sat, 22nd Oct 2011...its been so long and we will meet exactly seven months after our last meeting.

Lunch

It was Friday today, the dreadful two hour long break with nothing to do on my hands. So I grabbed my laptop and went on the ground floor to watch Rome and kill time. It was awfully cold in my department my hands were freezing, even though I was wearing my black waterfall thing. Mat headed down the stairs around 1:15 pm carrying a white manila envelope in company stationary. He saw me and raised his eyebrows amusingly, probably wondering what I was doing. He was in a gray lacoste T, jeans and gray boots. He headed out. I thought he was out for lunch or some other escapade when I saw him come in around 2:00 PM. So it was the Friday prayer visit. He strutted off towards the lift and had to wait for it to come by. So he came over and stood by me and we chit chatted casually. Then he asked if I had had lunch? I hadn't by then and and had no solid plans. So he asked if I was going to...at all? I gave an unsure reply that I was. I got so confused because I think he wanted to have lunch together. Such moments always leave me confused and bewildered in light of what all has happened in the past. I still remember how nat spoke " stop calling him for lunch" and how he had shown someone my message when I used to ping him for lunch "See she calls me for lunch...". Mat really I don't know what to do around you, follow what I feel like doing or decide a course of action in light of how you changed so swiftly and radically. So he went to the lift and I got up too. He went off to get his sandwich and I went to get my stuff from my seat. We went down in the same elevator. I got the slip for my food and his tea. We sat, ate and chatted together. After lunch we smoked on the right side of the building. The rest of the day went by chatting on BBM. I had a late sitting today and he was out for a funeral, he probably didn't have his con call today and was hanging out with a friend of his. He comes and goes like the monsoon; Unpredictable and whimsy. I am always here when that monsoon pours down. Sometimes in a faint drizzle, at other times it is ferocious with a familiar fervor. I realize this more and more and it leaves me in more pain.

Amorous

I decided not to message mat today but I ended up doing it!!!!! How am I to refrain!!!! He was busy, his delayed and short replies were clear. Consistently sending in smilies and then the smiley turned to a kiss. This kiss...can I have this kiss forever as I thought to myself. We excahnged a lot of kisses and hugs today. The more he does this, the more I am reminded of the one kiss we have ever shared and the more it entices me and takes me in completely. Mat I don't know what it is about you. There is something about your way with me. Our chat lasted the whole day long as usual. Today was unusually an amorous one. I was in the shower and mat doesn't stop then. I have never known temptation. To me it has always been an unbelievable and bookish word. Mat you are my one and only testing temptation. I have a hard time hiding and denying it. It is not taking me anywhere. When you are silent, Its the loss of that connection that I tempt and crave for. When you are near, It becomes too much to handle. A strange mixture of wistfullness, wishfullness, temptation and what not. When this gets too much thats when it comes out in silent tears.

stealing glances

Even though we sat and had lunch just yesterday, I spent the first half of the morning missing mat terribly. After I had resigned to the feeling, I took my laptop downstairs on the first floor to watch Rome to disengage myself from my train of thoughts. I think it was around half past 2:00 PM that Salman came downstairs for a smoke with Mat in tow. Of course we didn't dare look at each other. My boss thought I was working really hard on my assignments. Little did he know I was killing depression. So after their smoke, they traced their way back up and mat just stole a glance at me and so did I at the exact time!!! This man just does it every time to me. I felt even more glum. So after half past three mat messaged me "kahan ghaib ho"? and of course the rest is just history. We talked and talked and joked and laughed. My workaholic stayed in the office until around 1:00 PM. He asked me to sleep and I couldn't until he had reached. So we talked until then. I like being with him as long as he lets me. My fantasy by my side for a little more while.