Long time

I decided to go to the cafe today to have lunch. I was dressed in my red chiffon top and jeans. I sat on this table sticking to the wall from one side and on my neighbouring table was asim bhai with his group. After half past 1:00 PM, mat entered the cafe and headed straight to my table. It was after a long long time that we were having lunch together. My heartbeat races everytime I see him :(. So we sat together whilst asim bhai turned his seat towards us and joined in the chit chat. We shared our lunches. I had qeema and french beans and mat had his usual sandwich and rahat's chicken pie. His playful banter to my reply of what I had for food "qeema aur french beans" was funny as usual. The moment I take respite from missing him, he does something to remind me of him and I start missing him all over again. If he doesn't do anything, I have enough in my own memory bank to keep missing him.

Old times

Mat messaged me himself today and as usual we ended up talking the whole day long, until he left office for home. He even asked me what I was wearing since he hadn't seen me. I was in an orange long shirt with orange tights. It felt like old times as always. He told me that he was sitting at the exact same spot where I was sitting yesterday, left side of the entrance stairs. I teased him if he was sitting their missing me and he answered of course what else can it be!!!! My dear mat, I sit there to kill sometime when I miss you miserably. Your sugar coated response just made me realize mine and the severity of its truth.

Town Hall

We had our town hall meeting today. It stretched for over an hour. Mat is strangely amusing whilst at other times he plays dead. This leaves me bewildered. We were having tea after the meeting finished and he was standing with someone devouring his favourite samosas. He turned around gave me a very quick look and returned to his eating. Then he turned his head around, slowly gave me another witty and amusing look; this time a little longer, with a concealed smile, that I have often seen before. Familiarity is often refreshing, lined with pangs of wistfulness.

A dreadful moment

I have been dreading this moment for the past several days. My mum
has been pushing me to call him and take me home. So she asked me to do it again today. While I have taken the past few days to weigh the option of going back, I honestly can't prepare myself. The hatered, animosity adn aversion is consistent as ever if not increasing. I feel a ball being dodged whereever anyone pleases. No matter how much I tell my folks about how I feel, they fail to grant it any importance at all.
Made a change to my recently aquired schedule today. It was out of sheer desire to see mat. So I went down at 4:05 pm @ tea and had a glass of water and read the newspaper. I saw him standing  in the basement where he is usually standing, smoking or chatting. I darted my eyes, but the heart has a mind of its own. With a resigned response I saw him and got into the elevator shooting him one last look for today. Why does it feel that every day is the last day I will ever see him and yet there is another day when I see him, hear him or feel him.I read something touching today " you know you miss them, when you re-read their texts and conversations with you over and over again, even when they are not here". Indeed I do mat.
Surprisingly mat came downstairs today for a smoke @ 6:00 pm. I was walking right behind him. He went to thr left side of the entrance to sit down and smoke. I saw him and waved a hello and he waved back. I sat on the entrance stairs waiting for my van mates. We both kept fiddling with our BB. When done he walked past me asking if the van was there yet and I replied weakly that I was waiting.

We talked again

In days of bliss, I and mat would begin talking somewhere between 9:00 to 11:00 am. Each time he messages me i wish that those days would return but deep down I know it is a wish that must remain a wish. So I sent him a bbm joke today after the morning tea ritual. As usual, we talked and talked and talked. I threw jokes endlessly and he was in his usual fits of laughter that I love so much to see and feel. There is something ruggedly handsome, simplistic and infectious about them. His roars of laughter grow on you and envelope you like a tidal wave. One can't get over them, they intrude on you even in the deepest silent moment. He didn't go out for his Friday lunch and had it in the cafe. I sat on my seat the whole day long. He wanted to know when I would have mine? I replied I wasn't hungry. The big question "Why?". The answers to this are wicked and disturbing. Of course I said I didn't feel like it. I haven't felt like it ever since you changed. We talked about going to Brazil and we joked like we always have. All I remember today is that i was ecstatically happy. i think he wanted to see me again today because he asked me when I was leaving. Mat why can't i just see you, hold your hand, dart my eyes from you, share with you like we used to. That old feeling you gave me ravages me every time we talk. Tell me your secret of getting over it. May be if I try hard enough I can be as burden free as you are.

We talked

My bbm pinged before noon today. I secretly hoped it was mat and it was! He sent me a joke...of course a conversation opener.I was happy to hear from him. Though i know each and every way he functions and the insignificance of this exchange is clear on me, yet he means more to me than what he has done. So we ended up talking until he was scheduled to leave the office @ 8:00 pm. I raided his bbm with loads of jokes. He was really jovial and even gave me a kiss. I was surprised and told him he was in some mood today. He wanted to see me for amorous gratification of his senses. I am so many things he says, but tell me mat why am I not good enough for you to look past those things so that you can be how you used to be with me? Of course I was dodgy and playful when it came to a meeting of that kind. How can I invest in more pain for myself. He told me he had a flat at his disposal and I felt fallen in my own eyes, though I hid it with my playful replies. We  talked like we used to, laughed like we used to, we teased like we used but when there was silence, I cried like I never used to. I miss you each day. When I resign from missing you at night, I go to sleep and when morning awakes me I know that I have enough in me to miss you all over again.

Laughter

I left to catch my van @ 6:00 today, the usual time. I went and sat alone for sometime until i saw mat coming out with his two friends laughing. He was dressed in his embossed checkered white shirt, his laptop bag slung over his right shoulder. I heard his peaking roar of laughter again. That profound exclaimation he gives when something is extrememly funny to his senses. It kept ringing in my head. That overwhelming feeling of days gone by and missing him swept over me and I kept crying silently the whole time I was in the van. The sinking feeling only subsided after I resigned to a helpless sleep at night.

Post discovery

I messaged mat today to inquire about what all had happened yesterday after his wife read our chat full of amorous exchanges of two days. He said all was okay. He elaborated that she read our chat and was upset that it was on an off day and that it was too open and frank. He simply told her it was with a colleague of his. He on the other hand was genuinely upset and irritated that she read it at all! Back in the beautiful days, I would always tell mat to close conversations on his phone. He always told me that no one touched his phone. Well there is a first time for everything. What intrigues me the most is that why did she if she hadn't until now. Something must have triggered her senses and I simply dont know what! Anyways, for future reference, I told mat to close his conversations to which he playfully replied "hahah :) of course :)" !.

She finds out

Since I did not reply to mat's last message, I took my time today in replying. It was past noon. We talked calmly. The usual fervour was missing. He felt bored and I did not want to come on strong so I let him be with his feeble and limited replies. we stopped chatting a little after two since he had to go and help out his mother with something. At 4:47 pm he messaged me that his wife had read our chat and that I should not text him. He also wrote that his wife might text me to check so I should respond normally and if something inappropriate comes my way I should act surprised :). This news was disturbing for me. This is what I always dreaded and never wanted to happen!

Temptation

Mat messaged me today. I was pleasantly surprised, messaging me on a weekend is always more pleasing. He was home alone and did not feel like going out so he stayed back instead. He was very keen on seeing me today and going all the way through. I find it tempting and mesmerizing because of this ever growinng surge of emotions in me for him. He on the other hand is plain driven by temptation. The heart is closed and the mind keeps giving in to the temptation called "me". We are on two totally different pages. I don't know what would have happened had he felt the same way as I do. It would have been a constant battle of morals versus feelings. Even now when I am the only one in it, I find it so hard to resist him. He exercises that kind of power over a feeble me. So when I mask his advances in my jokes, banters and teasers, I know how bad a liar I am and so does he. There is no denial in the fact of our desire for each other. However, mine springs from heartfelt emotion and his comes from whims of sheer temptation. This fact is even more hurtful. He felt like being with me and completing a union which by no means is carnal to me. He was even ready to pick me up. If I wanted to seize the moment for unloading that timely passionate zing, I would have. Knowing my true self, I know I will fall deeper for you once this chasm is crossed and you will not be found anywhere. Temptation once fullfilled, ebbs away like it was never there at all. Whilst yours will fade, mine will cease to evade. We kept fooling over bbm until I gave it a break for a while which is when I received his message "I guess you are busy" and a while later a little past 11:00 pm "Going to sleep, goodnight".

bygones

I havent gotten up for lunch or tea since 30th April, 2012.I have not talked to mat or nat since then either. Nat seems unpreturbed by my silence, which affirms my idea that she doesnt really care. That spares me constant humiliation and pain now.

Paragon

I changed my BB status to a quote I stumbled upon today, "All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness" - Tenessee Williams. As I took my glum journey back home, my bbm beeped. Somehow I had a feeling it was Mat. Spot on! and it was. It seemed like a call from the dead. He asked me the meaning of paragon. I was speechless wondering if this man were for real. How can one continue this homgenous charade of insensitivity with such expertise, day in and day out. I've never ever come across anyone like him. Does the meaning of a bloody word mean so much? Was it worth the pain that heightens whether we talk or lose ourselves in discrete silence. For a man who is so gadget and internet savy, why not consult an online dictionary. That plastic smile of motives best known to him is merciless and cold and it sears me afresh each time. 

Cufflinks

I seldom experience premonitions, partly because I choose not to believe them. However, as much as I awaited mat's return and giving him his birthday gift, I knew I wont be able to. This feeling kept tugging at me while he was still abroad attending to his business. He has been back for almost two months now. Those cufflinks in sterlin silver and black agate, still sit atop the third shelf of my cupboard, safely huddled away in a black sephora bag, waiting to reach it's rightful owner. If I want, I can drop them in his lap but I have lost that loving audacity so generously lent to me months ago by mat. So I know, my steps would be stony if I were ever to do so. Years down the line from today, If I still feel the urging need for you to have these, I might take that step.

I always wanted to
let these adorn you
you didn't let it be
and time didn't agree
much time has passed
yet this feeling lasts
so please know
despite the silent blow
and many tears of woe
you still set me aglow