A mounting ache

It seems to me that with every meeting with Mat, I steal some more happiness from life, which is not to last forever. It is borrowed on a heavy payback lease. The thought of losing this makes me think that I am amassing more pain which I am yet to face head on. I miss him simply for the fact that I am afraid to miss him more than I already do. Each passing day brings me closer to loving him and pushes me to an edge where I will fall in an abyss. Where will he be then? Where will I be? It is then that Mat shall be my irreversible regret, my unspeakable truth, my unreachable dream and my most aching wish.

You

You scare me Mat, if you become a memory, you will have outlasted me. Which means I will hang on to you ever step of the way. If i fail to commit to you, you shall be a forgotten story. You happened when I least expected it, you happened when i most wished it. Now you are my boundless wish. I am afraid to face the day when I will miss you. Scared of the morning sun that brings you to me as my first thought, intimidated by the nights when my last though will be of you. And between the finitness of this day and night there shall exist an empty infinity, only to be filled by the thoughts of you.

1st@ Dynasty

Today was our first iftari. I took mat to dynasty. I left early, around 6:15 PM to check our table and wait for him. Mat joined me soon enough. He was in no mood to reach around 7:00 PM, our reservation time. We chatted avidly waiting for the fast to break. Our table was straight ahead from the entrance, huddled in a corner. The ambience was lovely and serene; the decor of crimson and purple, He and I and then us. I was too excited to eat much. I just love....Mat.

We finally meet

I was wanting to ask Mat today, that since our last plan went belly up, perhaps he could make time to see me on Friday. I guess I was in luck today. I was downstairs at packup time and he came down for a smoke. Just as I had entered the van, he asked me what my plans were today. I was caught off guard today. I had wrapped up my work earlier than usual and didnt need to sit late so I decided to go home. So he hurriedly checked if his car was available and it was! so I decided to stay back :) that earned me a kiss from matty :), he drives me mad with the thought of it! He was busy attending his call and I worked on my stuff. After 7:45 PM I kept my fingers crossed because that is usually the time when I receive news that our plan to meet has been foiled. Thankfully nothing happened.

Belly Up

I had lunch in the cafe today. I was sitting all alone and Mat joined me with AG and furqaan. We had a good time. After we were done and I walked out of the cafe, Mat sped past me. He looked really cute, like a devilish boy today. White embossed checkered shirt, jeans and gray boots. The way he looked made me smile and the way he smiled made me blush like a school girl for nothing! I like this idiot so much. He laughed like crazy when I told him that he looked like a boy!

Rockstar

Today was my first day in office after my rockstar haircut. I wore jeans and a black dress shirt. I had a new picture on BBM, me in my rockstar haircut and yellow white khaadi shirt. Mat messaged me a little after nine, appreciating my new picture. I decided to break tradition by going down for morning tea.

Losing the soulful connection

Even though it is upsetting beyond comprehension, I am recognizing that I am a mere contact of convenience for Mat. He talks to me whenever or whatever he fancies. We talk and talk anything or everything and then we pass by as if we never were. The quotient of convenience is wrenching me apart each day. He is sadly so whimsical. It keeps hurting me. I dont ever remember assessing and evaluating whether I should be the first one to talk to him or message him or express how I feel. The confidence used to be such that it never mattered. Now, my shattered confidence constantly keeps me on guard.

Meet me on the 4th of July

When I came to the office this morning, I got a message from Mat that he slept on me last night while chatting. After a while he disappeared and my agitation resurfaced. It was the 4th of July and he was off his USA duties for a change today. He had said that we could meet today. I was looking foward to it like a greedy kid craves for candy. So I casually messaged him myself and we kept chatting back and forth. Later in the afternoon he went quiet on my immersed in his work as usual. I had to sit late today. So I waited and waited until a little over 7:00 PM I messaged him again about what he was upto.