Losing the soulful connection

Even though it is upsetting beyond comprehension, I am recognizing that I am a mere contact of convenience for Mat. He talks to me whenever or whatever he fancies. We talk and talk anything or everything and then we pass by as if we never were. The quotient of convenience is wrenching me apart each day. He is sadly so whimsical. It keeps hurting me. I dont ever remember assessing and evaluating whether I should be the first one to talk to him or message him or express how I feel. The confidence used to be such that it never mattered. Now, my shattered confidence constantly keeps me on guard.
Causing me to swing between both ends. The time I spend restraining myself is taxing and nerve wrecking.I wonder if he has the remotest idea; he doesn't. He tells me every time that I dont disturb him and that its not loserish on my part, but somehow that feeling is gaining its roots deeply within me. Our contact is losing its soulful connection with each passing day as it becomes more and more amorous.Amorous without a soulful essence becomes a matter of convenience. I dont even know why he changed it all.
I sat smoking my ciggarettes on the same second ledge. I think he did come down for a smoke and sat on the first ledge where he always sits with his friends. I caught a glance at him as he was gonig upstairs. It was just last Friday, when I sat at the same exact spot and he at his. As he went up, he messaged me why I was sitting there all sad. Dear Mat, I was sad even today and sadder that the feeling seemed to sink in to its usualness. I was really craving to talk to you, but I need to retain some pride for I am hurting when it doesnt appear at all to you.