Good things should be spread

Ever since he came back from China, we have talked every single day. He has kissed me more than he did ever before. My phone would blast with a "Muah". I did not have to miss him on the weekends. My days and nights have been filled with him. Deep inside, I have been nurturing a secretive hope; maybe he wants us as much as I do. Upon his return from Salzburg, he wished to talk to me as I slept like a hopeful fool. I beam that he has wanted me around everyday after so many months of continual silence. But he says things that make and break me at the same time. Things I can easily attest to that might hold a future with him, yet there are other things which shred me implying he is still in neverland. He wants to see more and more of me. I have started sending him video snippets which he loves and watches on a daily basis. "You really know how to push my buttons" as he says. While he is right in the carnal sense, I am helpless as to what will make him embrace me emotionally. There are no tricks, no ulterior motives, and no covert moves. We joked about how our kids would be if we ever had any.Deep down I couldn't shake the feeling of how amazing it would be to have a part of him spring from me, especially if it were exactly like him. There have been other things; "You are the best gf I ever had!" "I wonder what the future holds", "Even if we are physically together, I would want you to stay the same, send me stuff when I am away", " I would suck your nipples when you have milk in them" - does he not realize, that I will need to be a mother for that; a mother to his child ONLY,"I dont know how I will keep my hands of you all the time". Everytime he says something to that effect, I have to fight to keep myself from asking him if he wants me for a future. But I am scared of his deafening silence where he retracts and recoils and hurts me. He cannot protect his fears and inhibitions without hurting me in the way. It is heart rending being with him without letting him know the actuality of the situation. Yesterday he told me he couldn't manage emotions, the underline being my emotions; what a stab that was. When I said all his kisses were mine he said good things should be spread; another stab; the lack of exclusivity. and yet he tells me that he loves me. It is a very bohemian confession. There are no promises, no expectations, no claims and no hints of oneness. He enjoys an accute sense of ever nerve in me and yet he potrays as if he doesnt understand what brews in my heart and mind. He steers clear tactfully, dodging his way out with an envious ease. Last night was the hardest shoot ever, I took longer because my mind was in a painful torrent, realizing how unreachable he is. And when I was finally relieved physically, I cried because each day im carrying a weightier burden than before. When he asked me why I took longer, I covered it with a harmless lie whereas I was screaming inside that it was the most wrenching physical experience. While I was in the middle of it, trying to enjoy its creeping serenade, his words kept coming back to me, blocking all sense and sensibility. Amputating me from my physical self and all I felt were stings that pricked the heart in bitter sweet symphony.

Walls

His continued apathy reminds me of my time with my husband.when imran was busy refurbishing his brothers car, he lost all perspective of night and day. I had to remind him for regular stuff constantly and he would put me away until we bickered like dogs.While he nurtured the demands of his 30+ years old of a brother. Much later it was ramadan of sizzling heat and we were shifting while going to our respective workplaces as well. I barely had time to scratch my head, packing, shifting, fasting. In the heat of things, I skipped a few sehris because i was dead tired. i remembering waking up to the azaan one day. He was up eating in silence. He never woke me up put of spite. Right before our separation, he lambasted with derision "tu to sehrioun key liye bhee nahi uth-tee, mein khud uth-ta hoon......"
He is either too cold or too naive to recognize my failing when it comes to forgetting him. He is not to blame. I've fostered this feeling in him by hiding my emotions from him. I know how much he dislikes emotions, he masks himself instantly at teh slight of them, bundling a feeble self in walls of impermeability. No matter which way the wind blows, he just wont give in. Even if it means embracing, in his own words for me, an amazing woman. And so I suffer in the hope of hope against hope.

Nowhere around

We havent exchanged a word today. It feels like I am being weaned. I waited for the blarring ring of my phone this morning-deafening silence. He was comparitively more active on Whatsapp today but not with me. By the time evening fell, my heart was sinking. While I worked aivdly on PS tickets, the most dedicated part of me was busy thinking of him. Until, I broke down on my seat, stiffling my tears. The infamous feeling of losing someone, much discussed and wriiten about stood in my face, daunting and abysmal.I ran helter skelter, burrying myself in work. No matter what I do, where I go, this misery hangs heavy on me. I do not know how the day and night melt into each other these days.But every moment is a rude awakening that he is far far away; unapproachable, cold. Everything about your decision is untenable. To have it effect me emotionally is consequential but to have it trickle down physically is sheer annhiliation.We cannot help loving the people we love. We dont need to, we shouldn't have to especially if the odds strike at their worst and yet...here I am unpreturbed...loving you still."...my life as it is cant take you now". My life as it is is trudging without you. The worst of defeats is when you lose someone to their own abysmal self.

Peepholes

I spent the entire weekend in bed. Just got out to wash up and eat a bit. It rained constantly. It was the wheather of his liking. I squashed the urge to talk to mat constantly and was almost successful until this morning.

Numb

I have been numb for the last several weeks now. I was finding it impossible to write at all. Mat finally shifted to the dreadful Iphone so for him vanishing has become easier. He has been overly consumed with work. We seldom talk.

Vanished

Mat has simply vanished. My messages on BBM have been marked "D" since 8th Jan. That is the last we talked. He has simply stopped responding. We haven't fought and neither has there been any untowardly incident to provoke this behaviour. So this morning after much dejection I messaged him on whatsapp too. But to no avail. His status was updated twice to timestamps of 6:08 am and 11:18 am. I sank to an abyss.

Hurting

I felt empty and miserable without Mat. So I picked up a smoke, locked myself in a washroom cubicle in the office and sat and smoked. Hugging myself tightly wishing the pain would disappear. With every puff I imagined whiffing away the misery. Tears rolling down and every tear wrapped securely around a memory of Mat. Yet nothing seemed to go away. I missed him more and more.