I spent the entire weekend in bed. Just got out to wash up and eat a bit. It rained constantly. It was the wheather of his liking. I squashed the urge to talk to mat constantly and was almost successful until this morning.
Surprisingly, he did reply to me. Even though it was a weekend. His Sunday night. He was at his hotel watching TV. However, he was off. Distinguishingly off. It isn't that I analyse his every move or statement. Its just that when he has been off for a while all my senses, trained on him over time, snap instantly. I pressed him again, but he said all was okay. So when I tried to be all crazy with him on a whim he was even more restrained and reserved. Laughing it off in "hahahas". He only does that rarely, when he is either blowing me off or busy somewhere, and today it clearly felt like he was blowing me off. Why? I have no idea. He was fine 3 days ago. My heart dipped in worry. What was up with him. I wanted to scream but I knew he wouldn't hear me even If I screamed to his face. He blocks if off conveniently. I tried again and again but the responses were ditching. I panicked and smoked like a chimney in the bathroom. I couldn't find my tears. I have been shedding them far to much to invoke them at my foolish whims. Even they deserted me. I feel like I am a prisoner encaged in glass. Impassable glass. A cage with lots of peepholes. Like those deathrow prisoners in movies, I'm not allowed outside and not a soul enters my cage. I'm granted a feel for life through those peepholes only! Mat and I are across opposite sides of this cage. Never making it through to each other. The peepholes are my godsend. My life flows throw those in little currents. I put my little fingers through them every day to feel him around me. Very rarely, he does too and that instills a sense of peace in me. But when he doesn't, I'm short on life. Drowning and spiralling out of control, peepholes closing one by one. Therefore, I find myself loving them, amassing every moment they present me with Mat. They never let me wish that the glass cage goes down, because it simply wouldn't. I only have this little luxury with him, at that too at the whims and chances Mat pleases to give me. He can block or unblock them anytime. That is why, I love those peepholes. And even when I cant feel the rush of a lifefull, I cling to them to keep alive. For me they mean life...everything.
Hurting like never before as I write this. I dont want to lose him to the mercy of distance or a different timezone. Those things are so miniscule. I am always here. I'm tired of telling him that I miss him because it seems like an overrated cliche because I always miss him. It seems rhetorical losing its sanctity. Back in one of the December nights, when I was crying, my phone suddenly pinged. I knew it was him. I dont know what came over me but I rushed to my dresser, looking at my face. It had been sallow and sullen the whole day long. Yet the moment I heard from Mat, it seemed like a dozen roses had kissed both my cheeks to lend them a shy rosy glow. A glow of contentment and happiness. IT is amazing how powerless I can be to someone who keeps going back and forth on me. For me, being in sync with a man of such effortless magic will be a lifelong journey of reinventing myself, to find newer ways to bear pain and gather joy that he benefacts on me when he pleases. He plays god to a grain of sand; me, confined to his whims.
Surprisingly, he did reply to me. Even though it was a weekend. His Sunday night. He was at his hotel watching TV. However, he was off. Distinguishingly off. It isn't that I analyse his every move or statement. Its just that when he has been off for a while all my senses, trained on him over time, snap instantly. I pressed him again, but he said all was okay. So when I tried to be all crazy with him on a whim he was even more restrained and reserved. Laughing it off in "hahahas". He only does that rarely, when he is either blowing me off or busy somewhere, and today it clearly felt like he was blowing me off. Why? I have no idea. He was fine 3 days ago. My heart dipped in worry. What was up with him. I wanted to scream but I knew he wouldn't hear me even If I screamed to his face. He blocks if off conveniently. I tried again and again but the responses were ditching. I panicked and smoked like a chimney in the bathroom. I couldn't find my tears. I have been shedding them far to much to invoke them at my foolish whims. Even they deserted me. I feel like I am a prisoner encaged in glass. Impassable glass. A cage with lots of peepholes. Like those deathrow prisoners in movies, I'm not allowed outside and not a soul enters my cage. I'm granted a feel for life through those peepholes only! Mat and I are across opposite sides of this cage. Never making it through to each other. The peepholes are my godsend. My life flows throw those in little currents. I put my little fingers through them every day to feel him around me. Very rarely, he does too and that instills a sense of peace in me. But when he doesn't, I'm short on life. Drowning and spiralling out of control, peepholes closing one by one. Therefore, I find myself loving them, amassing every moment they present me with Mat. They never let me wish that the glass cage goes down, because it simply wouldn't. I only have this little luxury with him, at that too at the whims and chances Mat pleases to give me. He can block or unblock them anytime. That is why, I love those peepholes. And even when I cant feel the rush of a lifefull, I cling to them to keep alive. For me they mean life...everything.
Hurting like never before as I write this. I dont want to lose him to the mercy of distance or a different timezone. Those things are so miniscule. I am always here. I'm tired of telling him that I miss him because it seems like an overrated cliche because I always miss him. It seems rhetorical losing its sanctity. Back in one of the December nights, when I was crying, my phone suddenly pinged. I knew it was him. I dont know what came over me but I rushed to my dresser, looking at my face. It had been sallow and sullen the whole day long. Yet the moment I heard from Mat, it seemed like a dozen roses had kissed both my cheeks to lend them a shy rosy glow. A glow of contentment and happiness. IT is amazing how powerless I can be to someone who keeps going back and forth on me. For me, being in sync with a man of such effortless magic will be a lifelong journey of reinventing myself, to find newer ways to bear pain and gather joy that he benefacts on me when he pleases. He plays god to a grain of sand; me, confined to his whims.
No comments:
Post a Comment