Vanished

Mat has simply vanished. My messages on BBM have been marked "D" since 8th Jan. That is the last we talked. He has simply stopped responding. We haven't fought and neither has there been any untowardly incident to provoke this behaviour. So this morning after much dejection I messaged him on whatsapp too. But to no avail. His status was updated twice to timestamps of 6:08 am and 11:18 am. I sank to an abyss.

My heart is sinking again. People will shift to iphone anyday now. I left him a message to continue using BB, otherwise how on earth will I talk to him. I have no idea why he is behaving aloof. I pressed him, as much as I could, the other day if something from me had upset him. Of course, he replied in negation citing crazy work load since transition closure is around the corner; 15th Jan 2013. But there is an irking feeling rooted deep inside that tells me two things; either USA calling is dictating his behaviour of weening me off again or work is just havoc. If its the USA calling then I cannot break down this concrete wall. It is impermeable. He will only talk when and if he pleases, and if its work then doesnt he even have 2 minutes to send in a one liner. Even if he receives my messages on BBM I can never force him to reply can I? He is miles away.
I am shivering in my room right now. Its the chills of fear I always get when I suspect that Mat is brushing me off. I have barely eaten in the past few days and lost more weight. My face still looks fresh due to the TCA peel but you cant peel the eyes. So when I woke up today they were all swollen and puffy from the crying and prolonged thoughts of "what if" questions surrounding Mat. He becomes this concrete monstor of silence when he goes to USA and throws me in limbo. Receding all attention and cutting lines of communication. I could have messaged him on gmail, but I was so scared of not getting a reply that I abandoned the idea. My hands are deathly cold in a warm heated room, my typical signs of depresssion and resignation. I am contemplating that he may never talk at all. If at all he does, it will be cold and calculated like the spring of last year after he returned from USA. Don't I even deserve a few straight words of honesty? I guess I dont in his eyes. As much as I hate it, he is the only person who has hurt me the

most. The modes he employs for hurting are simple; perpetual silence. His silence drains the last reserves of my energy and I barely have any. When I met him, his attention and care refilled those waning reserves. I was living yet I was barely alive and now he is stripping me off whatever is left in me.

His birthday is just a few days away. I know I will wish him, whether he acknowledges it seems unlikely. When I read up our old conversations, I find myself enthralled by a warm, kind and loving man. When I weigh his unjust silence, I barely recognize if he is the same man I live by every moment! He instills life in me. Such a contrast ravages me every day. How do I live?