I have been numb for the last several weeks now. I was finding it impossible to write at all. Mat finally shifted to the dreadful Iphone so for him vanishing has become easier. He has been overly consumed with work. We seldom talk.
While I understand his overbearing occupation with work, I still go gloomier by the hour. Everytime I message him, I set myself up for a small failure when he doesnt reply. I see him online, interacting with others and at the same time reading my messages and choosing not to reply to mine. Why? I do not know. His WA status is constantly updated and my messages just dangle, unanswered. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach when all this overwhelms me. A few days back I headed up to the third floor for a meeting. I walked with cemented steps because I kept staring at his seat. Someone else had occupied it, his laptop sitting on a barren table, an army green jacket strewn over the table, a big khaadi bag aptly sitting in the CPU section. I wanted to throw up with the sickest feeling. Finding someone else in his seat was unbearably hard. I miss him so much that I find no appropriate words to describe the abysmal sense of loss deep within. Today was even harsher a day! I havent been sleeping well at all. I wake up in the middle of the night with swollen eyes always thinking of Mat. I tell myself I wont disturb his work oasis and yet, the overwhelming silence of the night and all things haunting compel me to bug him! So when I did that today...we talked for a while but I miss his warmth. Lately he just pulls himself into a conversation and his divided attention is so repelling that I let him off the conversation hook right away. I feel burdened when I find him lukewarm and it instills a feeling of being unwanted in me. Things have been haywire. Our HR department tried to create a wedge between me and my team lead. That, coupled with things with Mat crumbled me like a deck of cards. I kept weeping throughout the day missing him and cursing my destiny. My eyes shrunk to reddish sockets when I checked myself in the mirror. The dreary gloom of winter, coupled with Mat's absence and lukewarm responses pushed me further into a dark abyss. I barely ate and whatever I did I just threw up. So I picked up a benson and hid myself in the bathroom cubicle trying to smoke and cry away the sadness. This will never never end and he will never ever know. Life is short for the happy and never ending for the miserable!
While I understand his overbearing occupation with work, I still go gloomier by the hour. Everytime I message him, I set myself up for a small failure when he doesnt reply. I see him online, interacting with others and at the same time reading my messages and choosing not to reply to mine. Why? I do not know. His WA status is constantly updated and my messages just dangle, unanswered. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach when all this overwhelms me. A few days back I headed up to the third floor for a meeting. I walked with cemented steps because I kept staring at his seat. Someone else had occupied it, his laptop sitting on a barren table, an army green jacket strewn over the table, a big khaadi bag aptly sitting in the CPU section. I wanted to throw up with the sickest feeling. Finding someone else in his seat was unbearably hard. I miss him so much that I find no appropriate words to describe the abysmal sense of loss deep within. Today was even harsher a day! I havent been sleeping well at all. I wake up in the middle of the night with swollen eyes always thinking of Mat. I tell myself I wont disturb his work oasis and yet, the overwhelming silence of the night and all things haunting compel me to bug him! So when I did that today...we talked for a while but I miss his warmth. Lately he just pulls himself into a conversation and his divided attention is so repelling that I let him off the conversation hook right away. I feel burdened when I find him lukewarm and it instills a feeling of being unwanted in me. Things have been haywire. Our HR department tried to create a wedge between me and my team lead. That, coupled with things with Mat crumbled me like a deck of cards. I kept weeping throughout the day missing him and cursing my destiny. My eyes shrunk to reddish sockets when I checked myself in the mirror. The dreary gloom of winter, coupled with Mat's absence and lukewarm responses pushed me further into a dark abyss. I barely ate and whatever I did I just threw up. So I picked up a benson and hid myself in the bathroom cubicle trying to smoke and cry away the sadness. This will never never end and he will never ever know. Life is short for the happy and never ending for the miserable!
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