A painful return

You got back home yesterday, after a long time. It seems like a lifetime to me.I have been waiting avidly to catch a glimpse of you.While I told myself that you must be busy, I was hoping that you would message me today...you didn't. My heart has been sinking ever since. While I am spiralling out emotionally, I am trying to hide but it isn't helping at all. When you asked me whether I was ok, I was outright lieing. I can't help thinking that you are trying to create this distance between us and it is weighing very heavily on me. You feel so alien to me and every now and then it brings familiar tears to my eyes. I need to make a confession today. I have always known that I can not be with you in those ideal terms as one would dare to dream. However, whatever bits I have of you, I value them so much. If I could have a guarantee that I could have them forever, I would cherish them like a divine blessing. I would consider myself, unusually fortunate. I know this sounds desperate, but sometimes truth is very desperate. I can punish myself for feeling this way, but I can't take away this feeling. If I look at another man, It will be with glassy eyes, where the shadows of my past will be very apparent. My fears are greater than my dreams. Lend me my dream for a little while. I promise to return it soon and let the fear settle back in. My pursuit of happiness seems like an endless road. I only deserve to be your spare fantasy. Come back for I miss you Tiger.

Bliss

My precious,

A few days ago, I wandered off to the terrace to miss you. I stared at the sky above me and saw two amazingly bright stars in perfect union. It transported me to the night of our first meeting. I had sat on the bench staring at the sky, with you facing me, looking at me with silent questions. I remember you asking me what was it that I was looking at. They were two stars far apart with none other in sight. I had told you that they were like us, up there and far apart. My words failed me then but when this sight unfolded the other night, it invoked a wave of emotion in me. I write this in joyful pain for I miss you.

beneathe the midnight shadows
Through the heavenly skies
Two stars hand in hand
Bathe in merry light
Lend me a blissful smile
in dismal tears of woe
Alight a joyless heart
with a wonderous glow
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Screaming silence

I talked to you after four days yesterday. It was a breath of fresh air. I felt relieved and simply happy. I took a much needed break from being dismal and hopeless. Whenever you pop up on my cell, It feels like a ray of light tearing through the thickest clouds of gloom. My face lights up and I feel fullfilled. Yesterday felt different. You were calculatedly distant. It was confusing and hurtful. I have a few litmus tests on you that never fail me. All I have to do is play the naughty mano you are so accustomed to. When you reciprocate, It is your usual merry self and I find some peace in welcoming that. When you cover it up with smiles over and over again, I can feel this ever growing stretch of distance between us. Yesterday was filled with many deliberate smiles. My heart sank as my fear grew colder and familiar to me. Smiles are a beautiful way of masking the truth. They lend a superficially happy feel to an emotion when we are guilty or scared of communicating it to someone. I wish I was naive to detecting this superficiality. Whenever you are apologetic or guilty you use this weapon. However, I know you enough to know what you are trying to do. So tell me why you feel the need to do it? I feel guilty that I went ballistic and overboard in my display of emotion the other day that you might move away permanently. Whenever it comes to expressing my most intimate feelings for you, you listen to me with an open heart. At the back of my head, I am constantly weighing the outcome of my desperate confessions. I can't lie to you and speaking the truth feels like a degraded and shallow attempt. You tell me repeatedly not to be scared and embarassed of speaking my mind. The only thing that keeps me from doing it time and again is this fallacious attempt you make at distancing yourself. It hurts and feels too familiar. I can't talk about you to anyone and If I can't talk about you with you, where do I go? You have to accept something; you are responsible for the way I feel but you cannot feel guilty for it. I can't allow that. You are only responsible because you are you, you can't change that and you cannot change how I feel about that "you" in you. You have never wronged me and that endears you to me immeasureably.  Then why make failed attempts at distancing yourself. I wish I could tell you how happy you make me just by talking to me. I hang by that feeling every second in my life. It feels like clinging to your last breath for as long as it lasts. When you try to tone that down or take it away I have to gasp for breath. That is the hardest for a drowning man catching at a straw. If distance could alter matters of the heart, it would be worth it, but it doesn't my dearest. So please, be the way you are to me. I want you free of my guilt always, because if you aren't, I will lose you to it. I can walk my steps but I can only ask you to walk yours. If life were a winding rocky road, I would walk backwards, past the blows and map it's way to you.

Midas Touch

4:12 pm my time, 5:12 am your time: I just got to know that you are going to be moving, thousands of miles away. We were going in a car, when this bombshell just dropped on me. I was elated that I had gotten to talk to you yesterday. The world just closed in on me. I felt claustrophobic. I have always said that my fears are as strong as the rising sun. They never fail me. My wishes always fail me. Ever since we have been together, I have been counting the days to the end of this effortless happiness that I feel by being with you. You have been moving to and fro and I asked myself what if he moves away for good? and today I was told you are moving. I just crashed. I have spent so much energy into avoiding falling in love with you. Toiled to avoid expectations, stick to being thankful with whatever we have had. I have used meaningless synonyms to define how I feel, when all along they have all meant the same; I have been falling silently in love with you. I did that behind my own back. I hid it from myself, telling myself constantly, I only like him, I won't love him. Yet, a part of me, secretly did not work hard enough at not loving you. I failed us both for which I feel guilty. I hid it from myself and you too. If it weren't love, principally, you should not matter, you should not hurt, you should not give me so much joy, but you are a source of all this for me. When you left 4.5 months ago, I was so upset. I counted each day. A month passed and I thought, he'll be here soon, then another month came and went by. We were out of touch for a month or so and I was very down because I kept missing you. The day I saw your message after that impasse, you lit me up from within like the morning sunshine. Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb and now it's March. We have grown closer when I thought that the distance will endanger this magic. We have both gone this distance. My happiness has always been so endangered. The moment I feel it, I start fearing and count the days as to when it will be over. This fear has never failed me. I have the midas touch. Except everything I touch doesn't turn to gold, it crumbles to sand. A lifeless being that I am over and over again. Why can't life be the same? It's true that I often ask god why I met you and why it can't be more? but I resigned that I love whatever I have of you and If not more, let me have just this much of you for now and forever. I don't know how I will take this, but this forlorn feeling is tearing me apart. So now my lunch time will be skipped, I wont be hurrying down to buy you a cup of tea. I wont fret over securing a table just so we can sit together. That cup of coffee, will lose its interest for me because you will be gone. So let it grow cold and stale. The stolen trysts at Haunted Hill, the smoke breaks, my secretly collecting your cigarette butts so that I can keep some part of you. As rhetorical , overrated or as bookish as this may sound, you have become much more to me than I thought or planned for; I am guilty for I love you. Our journey begins now. My pursuit of happiness is a winding road rocky road.

Growing impatience

3:04 pm my time, 4:04 am your time; I am hoping against hope that you will talk to me today.I've bombarded you with so many messages over the past three days that it embarasses me. That makes me so desperate. You were asleep, busy or simply did not want to reply. 3 days seem like a lifetime to me. Especially for someone with whom I spend half my day with, someone who is gaining on me each day. I am scared of you now. I've noticed that whenever we spend intimate time, you disappear the next day. That makes me regret it because I feel that you feel guilty for feeling me this closely and you choose to cover it by being busy or by maintaining a distance.Your absence saps whatever energy I have left in me. The moment the clock turns 4:00 am your time, I start waiting for my phone to ring. If and when it does, and if It's you it lights me up like morning sunshine.I feel this deep sense of ecstacy which lasts me until 4:00 am the next day.When I say I was bored or worried, I lie profusely. I miss you the most then with a deep sense of panic and manic depression. I lie because I want to hide the truth from both of us. I don't want to acknowledge it because there is a lot of pain involved, one that is mine to bear alone. I can wish for you but can't be with you. I want to hide it from you, because I don't want you feeling responsible for the feelings nurturing in me. Responsibility adds to one's burden. Sometimes we carry that burden with great strength and sometimes we cave in. You will cave in because I am not your life's reality. I am your madness hinged on baseless footing and sheer temptation. The moment it becomes a bane of your existence, you will drop me and disappear. Maybe not because you want to, but because you will have to. I am in such a demented dilemna. I can talk to you about anything but you. If I talk to you about you, I will scare you. So tell me, how do I keep you from knowing about you? We can only exist between the two of us. I can't tell you that I am falling for you.I am forced to commit my feelings to an empty piece of paper, absorbing all without judging the character or morality of my growing fondness for you. While it's true that I cannot dare to have any expectations of you, it still does not deter me from wishing for the impossible; YOU. A wish upon a shooting star. What lies beneathe you is very unbearable for me.