Midas Touch

4:12 pm my time, 5:12 am your time: I just got to know that you are going to be moving, thousands of miles away. We were going in a car, when this bombshell just dropped on me. I was elated that I had gotten to talk to you yesterday. The world just closed in on me. I felt claustrophobic. I have always said that my fears are as strong as the rising sun. They never fail me. My wishes always fail me. Ever since we have been together, I have been counting the days to the end of this effortless happiness that I feel by being with you. You have been moving to and fro and I asked myself what if he moves away for good? and today I was told you are moving. I just crashed. I have spent so much energy into avoiding falling in love with you. Toiled to avoid expectations, stick to being thankful with whatever we have had. I have used meaningless synonyms to define how I feel, when all along they have all meant the same; I have been falling silently in love with you. I did that behind my own back. I hid it from myself, telling myself constantly, I only like him, I won't love him. Yet, a part of me, secretly did not work hard enough at not loving you. I failed us both for which I feel guilty. I hid it from myself and you too. If it weren't love, principally, you should not matter, you should not hurt, you should not give me so much joy, but you are a source of all this for me. When you left 4.5 months ago, I was so upset. I counted each day. A month passed and I thought, he'll be here soon, then another month came and went by. We were out of touch for a month or so and I was very down because I kept missing you. The day I saw your message after that impasse, you lit me up from within like the morning sunshine. Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb and now it's March. We have grown closer when I thought that the distance will endanger this magic. We have both gone this distance. My happiness has always been so endangered. The moment I feel it, I start fearing and count the days as to when it will be over. This fear has never failed me. I have the midas touch. Except everything I touch doesn't turn to gold, it crumbles to sand. A lifeless being that I am over and over again. Why can't life be the same? It's true that I often ask god why I met you and why it can't be more? but I resigned that I love whatever I have of you and If not more, let me have just this much of you for now and forever. I don't know how I will take this, but this forlorn feeling is tearing me apart. So now my lunch time will be skipped, I wont be hurrying down to buy you a cup of tea. I wont fret over securing a table just so we can sit together. That cup of coffee, will lose its interest for me because you will be gone. So let it grow cold and stale. The stolen trysts at Haunted Hill, the smoke breaks, my secretly collecting your cigarette butts so that I can keep some part of you. As rhetorical , overrated or as bookish as this may sound, you have become much more to me than I thought or planned for; I am guilty for I love you. Our journey begins now. My pursuit of happiness is a winding road rocky road.