Screaming silence

I talked to you after four days yesterday. It was a breath of fresh air. I felt relieved and simply happy. I took a much needed break from being dismal and hopeless. Whenever you pop up on my cell, It feels like a ray of light tearing through the thickest clouds of gloom. My face lights up and I feel fullfilled. Yesterday felt different. You were calculatedly distant. It was confusing and hurtful. I have a few litmus tests on you that never fail me. All I have to do is play the naughty mano you are so accustomed to. When you reciprocate, It is your usual merry self and I find some peace in welcoming that. When you cover it up with smiles over and over again, I can feel this ever growing stretch of distance between us. Yesterday was filled with many deliberate smiles. My heart sank as my fear grew colder and familiar to me. Smiles are a beautiful way of masking the truth. They lend a superficially happy feel to an emotion when we are guilty or scared of communicating it to someone. I wish I was naive to detecting this superficiality. Whenever you are apologetic or guilty you use this weapon. However, I know you enough to know what you are trying to do. So tell me why you feel the need to do it? I feel guilty that I went ballistic and overboard in my display of emotion the other day that you might move away permanently. Whenever it comes to expressing my most intimate feelings for you, you listen to me with an open heart. At the back of my head, I am constantly weighing the outcome of my desperate confessions. I can't lie to you and speaking the truth feels like a degraded and shallow attempt. You tell me repeatedly not to be scared and embarassed of speaking my mind. The only thing that keeps me from doing it time and again is this fallacious attempt you make at distancing yourself. It hurts and feels too familiar. I can't talk about you to anyone and If I can't talk about you with you, where do I go? You have to accept something; you are responsible for the way I feel but you cannot feel guilty for it. I can't allow that. You are only responsible because you are you, you can't change that and you cannot change how I feel about that "you" in you. You have never wronged me and that endears you to me immeasureably.  Then why make failed attempts at distancing yourself. I wish I could tell you how happy you make me just by talking to me. I hang by that feeling every second in my life. It feels like clinging to your last breath for as long as it lasts. When you try to tone that down or take it away I have to gasp for breath. That is the hardest for a drowning man catching at a straw. If distance could alter matters of the heart, it would be worth it, but it doesn't my dearest. So please, be the way you are to me. I want you free of my guilt always, because if you aren't, I will lose you to it. I can walk my steps but I can only ask you to walk yours. If life were a winding rocky road, I would walk backwards, past the blows and map it's way to you.