I decided to go to the office today. I had some work piled up due to early packup on Thursday and Friday's leave. Plus it was meeting day today; Mat :). At the last minute, I changed my mind because the office area was cordoned off and it was deserted. So I roamed around in Super. Mat was very prompt today. He left around 5:45ish PM and reached around 6:15ish PM. I was waiting in Book Town, next to Nandos browsing through magazines.
I was in my black shirt and trousers. He was in his signature gray lacoste and
sweats :) cute and huggable as always. Today was glitch free and we had ample time. We decided to go to haunted hill for coffee. When we reached there it was filled with so many people that we decided to exit :). So we drove around. He held my hand as always and kissed it. I find him at his purest and most intimate when he does that. It always pushes me to an aching wish; I wish we could be together always, sigh! as we drove along 7th Avenue we discussed Saad's situation. He has been fired recently. Mat kept listening whilst playing and caressing my thigh. His naughtiness upheaving my superficial calmness.It is amazing how he can make me feel like this. I have never been effected ever like this in my entire life of 31 years. Whenever we drive along 7th Avenue, I feel morose. The expanse of this road reminds me that I am living a stolen dream with Mat for a little loaned time. Time which we both do not own, time which we wont have always. The crushing realization brings tears to my eyes. I always turn my face away from Mat at this feeling. Often when he kisses my hand, I feel him heave a muted sigh and a shadow passes by his face. A shadow that seems to question "Why can't there be an always?", "Why do I feel like this now?", "I wish there were something I could do!"....At that moment, the heart wrenching pain I feel is beyond words. I turn my face away and drink away pent up tears. A part of me is ALWAYS feeling like this; day in and day out.
We chatted and kept driving. He called me "saadiyey" (simpleton) on my analysis of the firing situation.Then we set off for Kashmir Highway towards the toll plaza. Mat hurriedly stole a kiss from me. How I ached to have one in peace and quiet, not with crazy drivers running back and forth. Due to the heavy traffic we took a u-turn and headed to G-11. We hit a road upon which he suddenly asked me " do you remember this road?" I answered animatedly "Of course I do; angry birds!" and we both laughed. This is where he felt and sucked on angry birds for the first time! how can I forget that burst of pleasure. Plus his friend's office is also on the same road. We kept driving, chatting and playing with each other. It got to a point where it became unbearably frustrating for the both of us so he suggested that we go home. I meekly agreed even though I didn't want him to go. I never want him to go. How do I say this? I will come across as a foolish and needy damsel. At the same time I understood his need and the frustration at not being able to fullfill it because I felt the same way. It is becoming insatiable with each passing day and meeting.I have always feared this feeling. It wrecks you and drives you to the brink of insanity. That old familiar aching need to just be with someone, no matter what. Mat dropped me home at 8:00 PM. I quickly stole a peck on the cheek as I neared my house. That night I read something from City of Angels; "I do not understand a God, who would let us meet, if there is no way we could ever be together". Mat when I am in aching pain and missing you it is only then that I wish I had never seen you, met you, known you, felt you and fallen for you. It is that first abysmal step we take which leads us all the way, knowing fully well that there is nothing at the end of the winding road. Love you.
I was in my black shirt and trousers. He was in his signature gray lacoste and
sweats :) cute and huggable as always. Today was glitch free and we had ample time. We decided to go to haunted hill for coffee. When we reached there it was filled with so many people that we decided to exit :). So we drove around. He held my hand as always and kissed it. I find him at his purest and most intimate when he does that. It always pushes me to an aching wish; I wish we could be together always, sigh! as we drove along 7th Avenue we discussed Saad's situation. He has been fired recently. Mat kept listening whilst playing and caressing my thigh. His naughtiness upheaving my superficial calmness.It is amazing how he can make me feel like this. I have never been effected ever like this in my entire life of 31 years. Whenever we drive along 7th Avenue, I feel morose. The expanse of this road reminds me that I am living a stolen dream with Mat for a little loaned time. Time which we both do not own, time which we wont have always. The crushing realization brings tears to my eyes. I always turn my face away from Mat at this feeling. Often when he kisses my hand, I feel him heave a muted sigh and a shadow passes by his face. A shadow that seems to question "Why can't there be an always?", "Why do I feel like this now?", "I wish there were something I could do!"....At that moment, the heart wrenching pain I feel is beyond words. I turn my face away and drink away pent up tears. A part of me is ALWAYS feeling like this; day in and day out.
We chatted and kept driving. He called me "saadiyey" (simpleton) on my analysis of the firing situation.Then we set off for Kashmir Highway towards the toll plaza. Mat hurriedly stole a kiss from me. How I ached to have one in peace and quiet, not with crazy drivers running back and forth. Due to the heavy traffic we took a u-turn and headed to G-11. We hit a road upon which he suddenly asked me " do you remember this road?" I answered animatedly "Of course I do; angry birds!" and we both laughed. This is where he felt and sucked on angry birds for the first time! how can I forget that burst of pleasure. Plus his friend's office is also on the same road. We kept driving, chatting and playing with each other. It got to a point where it became unbearably frustrating for the both of us so he suggested that we go home. I meekly agreed even though I didn't want him to go. I never want him to go. How do I say this? I will come across as a foolish and needy damsel. At the same time I understood his need and the frustration at not being able to fullfill it because I felt the same way. It is becoming insatiable with each passing day and meeting.I have always feared this feeling. It wrecks you and drives you to the brink of insanity. That old familiar aching need to just be with someone, no matter what. Mat dropped me home at 8:00 PM. I quickly stole a peck on the cheek as I neared my house. That night I read something from City of Angels; "I do not understand a God, who would let us meet, if there is no way we could ever be together". Mat when I am in aching pain and missing you it is only then that I wish I had never seen you, met you, known you, felt you and fallen for you. It is that first abysmal step we take which leads us all the way, knowing fully well that there is nothing at the end of the winding road. Love you.
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