An entire month has passed since Mat left. Last week, if I hadn't bugged him constantly over BBM, he wouldn't have talked. Work has not been occupying him much this time. He arrives early and leaves on time. So it is pretty reasonable. I took a week off and lay like a lump missing and thinking of Mat constantly.
Sometimes I would cry and sometimes I would act numb and impervious to all reasoning. I neither ate nor showered. It was a lifeless existance laying in the warmth of a blanket hating every moment and cursing every cold winter day. My heart sinks with a renewed fervor each day. As 14th Jan nears and transition is likely to conclude so will the days of Mat's permamnet departure to USA. He wont be a floor apart, not in the cafe, in the premises smoking, the executive conference room, in a meeting, at home, in the same city, he will be a world apart. And the vast expanse of our worlds will be unbridgeable. No expressing " I wana see you", no hearing "Me too!", no wishing "Lets meet today!", no cursing "Yar I'm stuck in a meeting, plan off!", no standing in the bookshop reading through recipes and no beaming with joy at seeing him when he finally does make it to me. Just a limitless amount of pain in growing flavours. A pain constantly reinventing itself to hurt me in newer ways. I waited for the clock to strike to 12:00 AM 1st Jan 2013 to greet mat. His response was lackluster and occupied and I remembered how different it was last year; "My kiss?". Of course I neither gave him one nor demanded one and felt wistful. How much I missed him!
I went to Hamid Zeb, my doctor and he asked if I was sleeping properly. I had stayed up the previous night, remembering every minute of our year long union, I smiled for the unforgettable moments, I cried at the silent and cold ones and I broke for the ones I miss now and will continue to miss with Mat. It sapped all my residual energy. It was hard fooling and not crying infront of the doctor. Aged in wisdom and grace, how can one fool time!
I always attribute patterend behaviour to Mat. Ever since he left he would message from 1:30ish to 3:30ish. For two weeks or so it was like this; A night filled with conversation and then a silent one. Now its few and far between. Fearfully, If I dont talk, I dont think he would even remember :(. His thoughts keep me up all night and I secretly wait every night for my phone to ping. Even if I sleep I keep it close to my ears and When that ear throbbing tone fills up a silent night, nothing seems more serene and pleasing to my craving senses.I smile and bloom and it feels he is close by.
AR Khan just sent out an email welcoming 2013 and announcing that new ERP and CRM systems will be rolled out shortly and transition is to conclude soon. SOON!
Mat must be asleep right now. All I want is to sit by his bedside and just memorize him as much as I can. Who knows about the finality of a spoken word, a shared laugh or an intimate moment between us. If he doesnt go cold on me then my destiny does. Both he and my destiny take turns at being hurtful, distant and cold with me. The unbrearability of it all is eating me up every day.
I have taken to smoking again. A resort of the weak! Every morning my mind screams at me "Mat's leaving!" "He is not here!", " There he goes away away and away". My leering mind gnaws at the incpacitation of my foolish heart! Both competing fiercly against each other. I want to squash my head until these voices go away but they never do!
I see a million faces each day. Beautiful, acceptable, bearable. Angry, excited, talking, smiling; wearing unlimited expressions. Yet never ever does a face arrest me as yours. But no matter where my eyes seek It is never never yours. Really, What good is this part of the world without you? It lacks the finesse of life.
Sometimes I would cry and sometimes I would act numb and impervious to all reasoning. I neither ate nor showered. It was a lifeless existance laying in the warmth of a blanket hating every moment and cursing every cold winter day. My heart sinks with a renewed fervor each day. As 14th Jan nears and transition is likely to conclude so will the days of Mat's permamnet departure to USA. He wont be a floor apart, not in the cafe, in the premises smoking, the executive conference room, in a meeting, at home, in the same city, he will be a world apart. And the vast expanse of our worlds will be unbridgeable. No expressing " I wana see you", no hearing "Me too!", no wishing "Lets meet today!", no cursing "Yar I'm stuck in a meeting, plan off!", no standing in the bookshop reading through recipes and no beaming with joy at seeing him when he finally does make it to me. Just a limitless amount of pain in growing flavours. A pain constantly reinventing itself to hurt me in newer ways. I waited for the clock to strike to 12:00 AM 1st Jan 2013 to greet mat. His response was lackluster and occupied and I remembered how different it was last year; "My kiss?". Of course I neither gave him one nor demanded one and felt wistful. How much I missed him!
I went to Hamid Zeb, my doctor and he asked if I was sleeping properly. I had stayed up the previous night, remembering every minute of our year long union, I smiled for the unforgettable moments, I cried at the silent and cold ones and I broke for the ones I miss now and will continue to miss with Mat. It sapped all my residual energy. It was hard fooling and not crying infront of the doctor. Aged in wisdom and grace, how can one fool time!
I always attribute patterend behaviour to Mat. Ever since he left he would message from 1:30ish to 3:30ish. For two weeks or so it was like this; A night filled with conversation and then a silent one. Now its few and far between. Fearfully, If I dont talk, I dont think he would even remember :(. His thoughts keep me up all night and I secretly wait every night for my phone to ping. Even if I sleep I keep it close to my ears and When that ear throbbing tone fills up a silent night, nothing seems more serene and pleasing to my craving senses.I smile and bloom and it feels he is close by.
AR Khan just sent out an email welcoming 2013 and announcing that new ERP and CRM systems will be rolled out shortly and transition is to conclude soon. SOON!
Mat must be asleep right now. All I want is to sit by his bedside and just memorize him as much as I can. Who knows about the finality of a spoken word, a shared laugh or an intimate moment between us. If he doesnt go cold on me then my destiny does. Both he and my destiny take turns at being hurtful, distant and cold with me. The unbrearability of it all is eating me up every day.
I have taken to smoking again. A resort of the weak! Every morning my mind screams at me "Mat's leaving!" "He is not here!", " There he goes away away and away". My leering mind gnaws at the incpacitation of my foolish heart! Both competing fiercly against each other. I want to squash my head until these voices go away but they never do!
I see a million faces each day. Beautiful, acceptable, bearable. Angry, excited, talking, smiling; wearing unlimited expressions. Yet never ever does a face arrest me as yours. But no matter where my eyes seek It is never never yours. Really, What good is this part of the world without you? It lacks the finesse of life.
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