Our altercation with the Police on Friday has left me soar. I cant help feeling that Mat is withdrawn after the incident. He seemed slightly remote. A feeling that may highten when I am absent. Even though he cheered me up and said there was still one iftar left I still cant fight the feeling. After the officers left and he drove, i felt remote. The hand that is always intertwined in mine was on the gear. He is ALWAYS the one to hold me first. Its not my pride that prevents me, I just find it gallant and wonderfully welcoming that he be the first to do it.
It upholds my ladylike even when I might not be.I fear that if i am the first one to do so, it may seem too forward and he may recoil.As i missed his hand in mine, I asked him if I could hold it and he said "hold it, why do you need to ask?". That was a relief. I was yearning for closeness and it was spoilt miserably. I may be right or may be my paranoia is getting the better of me, but I have been fishing for signals. I dropped him a BBM that my smokes might be with him, and as always I apologized for disturbing his call to which he responded by asking why I was being so formal. I wasn't being formal, I was back in my lonely shell. Of course i couldn't tell him that. So I just covered it up by saying that I was still upset and my nerves were stretched to which he just smiled; a warning sign of recoiling? I just don't know. We didn't talk the whole night after that. Next morning he messaged that my smokes were with him indeed.I asked him to keep them with him. Then I sent him a kiss. To which I never got a reply; a warning sign of recoiling? Then we had a really brief exchange right before iftar and he never replied. I keep telling myself that not replying to a kiss, not replying to a message or disappearing in silence has happened before and it was normal but I cant fight this feeling inside. Had a very pressured and repressed weekend full of fears.
It upholds my ladylike even when I might not be.I fear that if i am the first one to do so, it may seem too forward and he may recoil.As i missed his hand in mine, I asked him if I could hold it and he said "hold it, why do you need to ask?". That was a relief. I was yearning for closeness and it was spoilt miserably. I may be right or may be my paranoia is getting the better of me, but I have been fishing for signals. I dropped him a BBM that my smokes might be with him, and as always I apologized for disturbing his call to which he responded by asking why I was being so formal. I wasn't being formal, I was back in my lonely shell. Of course i couldn't tell him that. So I just covered it up by saying that I was still upset and my nerves were stretched to which he just smiled; a warning sign of recoiling? I just don't know. We didn't talk the whole night after that. Next morning he messaged that my smokes were with him indeed.I asked him to keep them with him. Then I sent him a kiss. To which I never got a reply; a warning sign of recoiling? Then we had a really brief exchange right before iftar and he never replied. I keep telling myself that not replying to a kiss, not replying to a message or disappearing in silence has happened before and it was normal but I cant fight this feeling inside. Had a very pressured and repressed weekend full of fears.
No comments:
Post a Comment