Ever since he came back from China, we have talked every single day. He has kissed me more than he did ever before. My phone would blast with a "Muah". I did not have to miss him on the weekends. My days and nights have been filled with him. Deep inside, I have been nurturing a secretive hope; maybe he wants us as much as I do. Upon his return from Salzburg, he wished to talk to me as I slept like a hopeful fool. I beam that he has wanted me around everyday after so many months of continual silence. But he says things that make and break me at the same time. Things I can easily attest to that might hold a future with him, yet there are other things which shred me implying he is still in neverland. He wants to see more and more of me. I have started sending him video snippets which he loves and watches on a daily basis. "You really know how to push my buttons" as he says. While he is right in the carnal sense, I am helpless as to what will make him embrace me emotionally. There are no tricks, no ulterior motives, and no covert moves. We joked about how our kids would be if we ever had any.Deep down I couldn't shake the feeling of how amazing it would be to have a part of him spring from me, especially if it were exactly like him. There have been other things; "You are the best gf I ever had!" "I wonder what the future holds", "Even if we are physically together, I would want you to stay the same, send me stuff when I am away", " I would suck your nipples when you have milk in them" - does he not realize, that I will need to be a mother for that; a mother to his child ONLY,"I dont know how I will keep my hands of you all the time". Everytime he says something to that effect, I have to fight to keep myself from asking him if he wants me for a future. But I am scared of his deafening silence where he retracts and recoils and hurts me. He cannot protect his fears and inhibitions without hurting me in the way. It is heart rending being with him without letting him know the actuality of the situation. Yesterday he told me he couldn't manage emotions, the underline being my emotions; what a stab that was. When I said all his kisses were mine he said good things should be spread; another stab; the lack of exclusivity. and yet he tells me that he loves me. It is a very bohemian confession. There are no promises, no expectations, no claims and no hints of oneness. He enjoys an accute sense of ever nerve in me and yet he potrays as if he doesnt understand what brews in my heart and mind. He steers clear tactfully, dodging his way out with an envious ease. Last night was the hardest shoot ever, I took longer because my mind was in a painful torrent, realizing how unreachable he is. And when I was finally relieved physically, I cried because each day im carrying a weightier burden than before. When he asked me why I took longer, I covered it with a harmless lie whereas I was screaming inside that it was the most wrenching physical experience. While I was in the middle of it, trying to enjoy its creeping serenade, his words kept coming back to me, blocking all sense and sensibility. Amputating me from my physical self and all I felt were stings that pricked the heart in bitter sweet symphony.
